I still think about divorce sometimes…

Sometimes it all feels like too much… This having a husband and a kid thing. I miss being alone. I miss being self-reliant. I miss things being EASY. I feel like it’s just so hard to get along with ND these days, and as much as I love him and Hallie, my whole focus has shifted to them. I feel like I’m dying inside, and each day it’s harder and harder to reach myself.

Today ND and I got into an argument. It wasn’t much of one, he was being kind of a dickhead, nothing that’s that big a deal, but it is a big deal. I had proposed leading a kissing workshop for couples at burning man with him, and he seemed ok with the idea… In my mind I thought that through planning it we would become more intimate ourselves, remember why we were so in love, connect, practice kissing. Clearly that’s not how he feels about it. He sees it as performance anxiety, doing this thing for others not us, and it stresses him out a little. I get that, and that’s ok. But he’s so difinitave about it! “That’s not the way to get closer. That’s not the way you do things like that.” Well duh, if you’re not a participant it’s not. If you are though, it could be…

And this small exchange, I feel like that’s part of why I turn farther and farther away from him. It feels like not only doesn’t he want to do what I want to do, but he humiliates me in the process. They’re small things that seem fun, that I want to do. And if he doesn’t want to do them, they seem less fun to me. But I don’t even feel like I can talk to him anymore without feeling put down. He never just sees that I want to do something and makes it fun because he wants to make me happy. Instead he talks to me like it’s a lesson, like he’s helping me to work my shit out.

But honestly, my shit is more worked out than I get credit for. I know who I am. I genuinely like myself. I think I’m pretty damned fun and fantastic. But I die a little every day in this relationship. I feel like I’m always compromising. Always making the consolations in order to get along. Always putting my wants on the back burner for his, because mine usually aren’t big things.

Tonight he said I was pushing him away and he didn’t know why. I told him the truth, and he fell asleep while I was telling him. I understand. It was late, we were in bed, the lights were out, and we’re both tired. But how sad and lonely. And how much easier if I were alone. Lately I feel like I’m more myself without him than I am when I’m with him. I don’t actually want a divorce. I love him. He loves me. We have this beautiful daughter. But I’m losing myself. And I don’t know how to BE myself in the context of this family. I feel like there’s no room for me. Or that I have to fight for it. And it makes me tired, and want to slip away.

How do I stay myself, when myself isn’t what excites my partner anymore? Oh, he says that’s not true, but its’ true. He’s turned on and excited by far greater things than me. I’m just the same old me, no big change. No big challenges. Just there, the constant. Isn’t it natural that I’d withdraw a little?

Things are much better

Went to 2 sessions of counseling and I think we’re back to normal again. He woke up. Didn’t realize how upset I was… Not sure he 100% gets why, but it’s clear he CARES, which frankly, goes a long way since I was feeling like I could fuck off and he wouldn’t even notice… So now he’s trying. And I’m trying. And it’s back to lovey-dovey us.

And by the way, what you can’t tell from this journal, is that usually, we’re DEEPLY in love. I can’t even count the number of our friends who have said that we’re their inspiration for couple-ness — not that that’s important to me in general, but for the purposes of balance in this blog, I feel it should be noted.

went camping by myself for the weekend, had a FUCKING BLAST

totally recharged. I’m awesome! I like me! I’m easy to get along with! I’m fun! I’m handy! It’s nice to meet me again. It’s been awhile!

Two Reasons It’s Not Working, One Small, One Big

I’ve calmed down a bit. Unleashed the beast, and freaked ND out a bit, I think… But calmer and I can think more clearly.

For me there are two issues:

1. Being taken for granted with child care. The default mom. The one who’s job it is to make sure she’s covered. This is not that big an issue alone. If this were the only issue, we wouldn’t have an issue.

2. ND is putting all his energy and focus and time outwards, and is getting all his needs met elsewhere. I, at this time in my life, am putting all my energy inwards on our little family unit, and am waiting for him to get my needs met. This feels like a monumental issue to me. I can’t make him be interested in me. And I’m not happy with what’s left over after Fig*. I feel like I’m losing him to a whole life that he’s made without me, and he wants me to come, but if I don’t want to, see ya. The ND train is moving, get on or get out of the way… Doesn’t he care about what I want?

Why doesn’t he get it – AT ALL??

Seriously. I’m FURIOUS at him…

So this morning I asked him casually what his plans for the evenings this week are, when he’s going to be home, so I can make plans… His reply: “Why don’t you tell me when you want to go out and I’ll work around that? Cause, you know, stuff comes up.”

Is it just me or is he really that big an asshole???? How can he truly be this selfish? It’s absolutely beyond me. And I flew off the handle. Fucking lost my shit and was on fire… Said through clenched teeth “No, why don’t YOU tell me when YOU’RE going to be home so I can work around that? I’m working on having some stuff of my own come up!”

I swear I’ve been calling friends all day to make plans so I don’t have to go home till 3am or something. Just the thought of him now makes me tense up and want to scream… UHHHHHHGH!

10:45am and I’ve already cried 3 times…

Not looking like a good day. I gotta pull my shit together and work on this proposal for GW… But I can’t stop thinking about how angry I am at ND. Oh, and I found out that Michelle left Quill.

Wow, judgemental even in his sleep!

So I go in to lie down, it’s 2am and I’ve been working and seething all night… And as soon as my head hits the pillow he thrashes over and says in his sleep “So what, you’re just going to do nothing for a while?” And I said “What?” and he repeated it, with emphasis. So I get back up and go into the living room again, fantasizing about pushing him off his side of the bed.

I’m going to snap soon…

I truly don’t know how to get ok, and holding this in is making me start to lose my mind. I don’t know how to talk to ND. I don’t know what to say to him, or when. And I walk around with this seething rage that I just can’t seem to get over. Tonight I asked him if he had post-event depression cause he was moping around. He said “No, this isn’t that sort of event. This is ongoing, and it’s not over, we have lots more to do all year round.” Down into a spiraling depression I went. That was it. Just one small toss-away comment and I was gone. Am still gone. And that was probably 4-5 hours ago.

On the outside I look really fucking moody. Inside I’m seething. I’m stuck with it. I just have to eat the fact that this is his life now. I feel like I’m the picture to his Dorian Gray. And on some level I know it’s my own fault. I’m the one who’s retreated into myself. I’m the one who can’t let myself have fun. I’m the one who has to take responsibility for the fact that my life is a disaster. Where can I run? Where can I go to get away from this horrible horrible lump in my throat that feels like acid and just burns like a ball of fire in my chest?

Nowhere. I can’t hide from this, there’s no where to go. If I leave him, I’m TRULY alone. I forfeit all my friends and my entire community to mister superstar hero leader, the savior of all humanity. And since I have nowhere to go, and not even my family gives a fuck about me anymore, lately I’ve been thinking about killing myself. Just to have 5 minutes of escape. Who would notice but Hallie? And even still, she’ll probably end up hating me later anyway when she realizes what a fucking loser I am. So wouldn’t she be better off?

OH MY GOD

If he mentions one more time how great Sp’ch was this weekend I’m going to fucking scream!

Painfully Lonely

So, my friend Mina suggested that I keep a journal to remind me of what’s going on these days. She said that I’ve been describing it very succinctly, and that I should have a record.

I’m really miserable, and I walk around imagining what life would be like if I left ND. Yes, he’s the love of my life. Yes, he’s the father of my daughter and she adores him. Yes, I would have to be single with a child and likely have trouble meeting someone else… But I look at him and cringe. I have a better time when he’s not there. I feel taken for granted. I feel ignored. I feel so painfully alone that I think I might be happier if I weren’t dangling on the end of his yoyo, waiting for him to be free someday maybe.

When I talk to friends about what’s going on, they all have the same response: “I was wondering about that! How could he possibly take on so much? Running an arts festival, a full time job, being a regional, and having a new baby…” And I think, that’s because his priorities are in that order… And they continue, “I was so surprised that he decided to take all that on while you were pregnant, and he hasn’t seemed to change a thing. I just thought he was amazing for being able to handle so much!! I guess something had to give, you’ve been such a good sport!”

So the festival was this weekend, a smashing success. 10,000+ people showed up, 60 or so core volunteers all raving about ND’s vision and masterful work. And I went all three days to be supportive. And I cried all three days, and ran rings on the paths, alone, with my stroller.

Friday I came out with my dad. He didn’t want to come, but I convinced him it was the right thing to do, for ND, because he thinks so much of my dad and his approval would mean so much. That night ND was feeling reflective. The first day was anti-climactic for him, and he was trying to determine if all the hard work was worth the effort. He asked me what I thought, and I told him that I was behind the event. I get it. I know why it’s a good idea. Good for the city. Good for everyone. But I have mixed feelings about it, and can’t be objective. So sensing my dancing around the real question, he asked me point blank if I thought it was worth it for me. And I hesitated, but said the right thing. That it was hard on me. Especially with a 4 month old baby, and that I wasn’t sure if it was worth it. Didn’t think it was, but ultimately, know what drives him, and know that if it weren’t Fig* it would be something else, and that I love him and want to be happy for him and that makes it all ok. He was relieved. And I quickly realized that I was lying.

Fig* is not worth it. It’s horrible. I cringe at hearing the name. It has taken over my life, and my husband’s life, and all our friends. They’re all into it and working for him and enthusiastic and LOVE him for his great vision and fantastic people skills… And I have become the sole caretaker and single mother of our brand new baby girl. And can’t turn to anyone because I don’t want people to know how bad things have gotten between us. We’re the favorite couple. The most in love. The role models. So I stay quiet. Keeping up the Trompe L’oeil so my pain won’t show. And to spare THEM the pain… My friends are all caught up in his world and THEY love Fig* and they’re are excited and turned on. So how dare I ruin all the fun for everyone by hating it. Because it is amazing. It’s changing the world. Really, it’s changing the entire fucking universe. And yet it’s the reason he can be in a room with me daily and not even notice that I’m talking. And it’s the reason I spend my days and nights alone. And wake at 3am alone to feed Hallie. And carry this lump around in my throat that I can’t swallow. No, Fig* is definitely not worth it for me.

You know, once I was a “doer” too. Once I was working just as hard, if not harder, than everyone else. And I worked crazy hours and people thought I was amazing. But that’s not me anymore, because I am Hallie’s mom now. People understand why I can’t be a doer anymore. And they assure me, when I complain that I want to work, that they don’t expect anything of me anymore… Someone’s got to watch Hallie. And it’s sure as hell not going to be ND. He’s off saving the universe. And renting trucks. And saving parties from rainstorms. No, that someone watching Hallie is me, quietly in the background, crying. And alone.

And of course ND would watch Hallie if I wanted to go out! Of course! No challenge he’s not up for solving! But usually I just stay home, cause I hope that maybe I’ll get an hour of his time.

Saturday I came out to the island and it was really hard. Most of my friends were working and busy, and I felt disconnected to the ones who weren’t. I was depressed. And angry. So fed up with having to put on a good face over and over, no longer able to hold it in… And always having to take care of Hallie out there… Feeding her, making sure she was comfortable, swaddling and singing her to sleep in the middle of NP behind a DJ area. And walking when she didn’t want to stay still anymore.

At 5pm I found ND and asked “So when are we leaving” and he replied “Well I’m leaving on the 7pm boat and going right to the party.” Oh, right. I guess I’ll go take care of Hallie – again. Not a thought to this being a “we” job. Not a thought to maybe I would want some company, if not help. But of course, realizing he’s on the brink of not being such a great guy, he offers “Oh, do you want me to come home with you?” So I left, playing “default mom”, in the rain. It took me 2 hours to get home, had to walk for an hour with Hallie in the stroller in the rain, trying to find a taxi. And when I finally got home, had to rush around getting ready for the stupid party. The stupid fucking party where everyone was going to celebrate the fantastic visionary, MY HUSBAND.

I actually decided at one point that I wasn’t going to go to the party. And why should I go to a party where he’s not going to even have 5 minutes for me, where I’m going to have to stand and make small-talk with friends, praying they won’t tell me again what an AMAZING job I did creating Fig*? Cause if I hear one more person tell me what a great job I did making Fig* happen I’m going to throw up. So I say “I didn’t do anything to make this happen.” and they say “Oh no, of course you did! You’re such a good sport!” But when I told ND that I wasn’t going to go, that I needed a girls night, that I didn’t think I’d get to see him much at the party, he kinda freaked out and put a lot of pressure on me to go… He said “But you have to go! I want you to go! I was planning to spend the night with you!” And when I resisted he pulled out all the stops “Well, you can do what you want, but if you don’t go, my feelings will be really hurt.” Great.

So I went. I didn’t want to go. But ultimately I decided that the Saturday night in the middle of the festival after all his hard work was not the time to finally start taking care of myself. I had to see this thing through, knowing it would be over soon. Go do my wifely duty and show up. But the thought of standing there while people congratulate him for his amazing job creating this festival which comes at such an incredible expense for ME felt horrible.

But I went. Went to be there for ND. Went to make him feel good. Went because I love him. And I cut up my Fig* t-shirt and scraped myself together to go with an open mind and an open heart. And a good mood, and a good attitude. I went in and gave him a big hug, and told him how proud I was of him. And he said “I’m so glad you’re here! Hang on a minute while I go talk to this guy. I just have to ask him a question…” So I swallowed my feelings and wandered off by myself.

And for the rest of the night I avoided as much direct contact with ND as I could to keep from crying. And at the end of the night he kissed me passionately, and looked into my eyes and smiled, and tried to get me to turn to mush with his loving, caring gaze. And as he smiled, he actually had the nerve to say “this is like we’re on the playa. And this time with you tonight is my reward at the end of it all”. I swear to God he thought violins were going to spontaneously start playing. It was all I could do not to let the disgust I felt show on my face. Did he honestly believe that I would be excited to be his reward?? Sorry, but that’s good for my why? After months of his ignoring me and flaking on me and leaving me alone to take care of our new baby? How could he honestly be so blind. And so self-centered!

So we get home after the party and I can’t fake being enthusiastic any more. I say “it was great” when he asks, but my heart’s not in it, and he can tell. And he starts to cry and says “I’m making everyone happy except you”. So we talked for a while, and I told him that I actually had been happy for him, that I was trying, but that his attitude towards me was as much the problem as the loss of his time and attention. I told him how I felt when he brushed me off when we were leaving the island. I told him about how I felt when he left me standing there at the party. And he had no reaction. None. Seriously, he was going to change the subject except I wouldn’t let him… So he explained why he left me standing there, and worked hard to justify it. But didn’t acknowledge that he had done anything. And if anything, he sounded annoyed that I was bothering him with little stupid details. So I let it go.

But then I was thinking about it and thought WTF??? So I called him on it. I asked why he had no reaction. And so he listened, sounded hurt and tired and “Oh poor me”, and said some stuff about how he really was happy to see me blah blah. And after a while I came to the conclusion that there must be a disconnect between how he feels and what he shows me. No really. He’s not REALLY so cold, he’s just ACTING cold… *sigh* I feel like a chump. I’m one of those women now, right? One of those women who’s husbands cheat on them, and they take them back, feeling vaguely like it was their fault? Cause Fig* is his mistress, but she’s one that I have to smile and embrace when what I really want is to throw a drink in her face.

We also talked about Decom that night, but that’s another issue and one I’ll talk about another time… I’ve been considering insisting that he quit being a regional. That would take Decom off the list. But he probably wouldn’t quit. He’d just make me feel like an asshole for asking. Whatever. Oh, let him go plan his stupid parties. Maybe I should just take Hallie and move away. It’s not like my family here would miss me.

Sunday was very hard. I didn’t want to go out to the island again, but felt I should see this thing through and be supportive. When I arrived it started raining — hailing actually, which was kinda cool — so I ran out by myself and took cover in the bus stop and gave children cookies. Went to a lecture. Fed Hallie when she fussed. Lulled her to sleep. Walked around again when the rain stopped. It was pretty quiet and empty, and everyone I knew was working. And I was sort of ok, but lonely. And when I ran into ND’s dad, who was there doing reiki, I burst into tears.

I want to keep going but I’m exhausted. It’s 3am and I have to go to sleep. So quick events… I confided in his dad that it’s hard not working, just being a mom, and having ND as a husband who’s always working so hard. I felt better. Then I saw ND and we spent a little time together. That made me feel better too. He seemed to want to make some time for me, and I enjoyed it. And then because of the rain, and because the workers are my friends, and because I’m such a good sport, I offered to have the after-party at our house. On one level I really meant it to be generous and fun. I love these people, they’re my friends, I always love having people over. And at the same time that party was going to happen somewhere, so I may as well be at home.

Turned out to not be such a smart move. I guess. Cause when I saw Mina on the way back from the island, and she asked how it was being a mom, I started to cry. I didn’t mean to start talking to her about this, but I couldn’t help it. She was outraged. And it made me all outraged again. Even though ND had been nice for a while today, I just felt so powerless. And sad. And ultimately I couldn’t stay at the party the whole time without crying, so I went into the back hallway to meditate for a while.

Ok, going to sleep now…