A small incident

This probably doesn’t count, and if it were in the context of a happy relationship I’d never even think to note it, but I may as well not censer myself.

This morning I said to ND “Did you notice how much I cleaned for the house appraisal guy?” He said “Yes, it looks great.” and I said “Yeah, other than the floor, it almost looks like the housekeeper came.” He responded “I thought she did come.” and I said “Thank you, that’s such a nice thing to say.” — I meant that he said it looked as good as if pu had come, but I realized as I said that, and as I looked at him, that he actually didn’t say that. He said he thought she came, and that someone else had done it. I KNOW he didn’t think she came. And I know he knew I did it, because I told him in the morning that I was going to. So why give such a cagey compliment? It felt like he was trying to get out of it technically, by complimenting me in appearance only.

See, this kind of thing makes me think I’m going nuts…

I’ll write more later. Off to see a shrink today for the first time in years.

Btw, I told him this morning that I wanted us to see a counselor, that I wasn’t happy with where we were and I thought we needed help. His first response was quite annoyed and he said “Well I feel like we’re all over the place. One minute we’re happy. The next we’re not. It’s a yo-yo and you’re not telling me what’s going on.” I responded by saying “Well, a counselor will help with that.” And for the next 20 minutes he pouted, frowned, looked all hangdog. I told him I wanted him to choose the counselor, but he said he didn’t care, that he wouldn’t like anyone…

f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.o.n.

Verbal Abuse

Ok, so I’ve started reading a book on verbal abuse, and I’m blown away… There are so many things in the book that hit home! And so many examples in the book that are identical to experiences I’ve had. One suggestion in the book is to keep a journal so my thoughts stay clear, and so I can record incidents and reflect on them later…

Please comment!! I could use some feedback.

1. Last night ND and I were sitting on the beanbag chair together and having a nice, intimate moment. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I said smiling and sort of laughing “I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.” He said “You do” in a somewhat laughing, but also somewhat patronizing ‘i gotcha’ kind of way… So I responded with eyeroll “Yeah yeah, but I wish I had ANOTHER one!” And he responded with a huge grin “And what makes you think you’d take any better care of them??” I sat there for a minute, kind of stunned, and then just got up and went back to the computer. I felt stung, and so I withdrew. Again. He didn’t really respond, but I could tell he knew I was withdrawing.

And here we are again…

Today is my 5th wedding anniversary, and I guess I need to start writing again. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I think this isn’t working out. I’m married to a man who isn’t very nice to me. He’s not abusive. He’s not cruel. He’s not even really mean to me. But he just isn’t that nice to me. It’s like this slow chipping away. We used to wake up and look at each other and grin madly. Now we wake up facing the other way, and I feel relief when he’s gotten up before me.

I still think about divorce sometimes…

Sometimes it all feels like too much… This having a husband and a kid thing. I miss being alone. I miss being self-reliant. I miss things being EASY. I feel like it’s just so hard to get along with ND these days, and as much as I love him and Hallie, my whole focus has shifted to them. I feel like I’m dying inside, and each day it’s harder and harder to reach myself.

Today ND and I got into an argument. It wasn’t much of one, he was being kind of a dickhead, nothing that’s that big a deal, but it is a big deal. I had proposed leading a kissing workshop for couples at burning man with him, and he seemed ok with the idea… In my mind I thought that through planning it we would become more intimate ourselves, remember why we were so in love, connect, practice kissing. Clearly that’s not how he feels about it. He sees it as performance anxiety, doing this thing for others not us, and it stresses him out a little. I get that, and that’s ok. But he’s so difinitave about it! “That’s not the way to get closer. That’s not the way you do things like that.” Well duh, if you’re not a participant it’s not. If you are though, it could be…

And this small exchange, I feel like that’s part of why I turn farther and farther away from him. It feels like not only doesn’t he want to do what I want to do, but he humiliates me in the process. They’re small things that seem fun, that I want to do. And if he doesn’t want to do them, they seem less fun to me. But I don’t even feel like I can talk to him anymore without feeling put down. He never just sees that I want to do something and makes it fun because he wants to make me happy. Instead he talks to me like it’s a lesson, like he’s helping me to work my shit out.

But honestly, my shit is more worked out than I get credit for. I know who I am. I genuinely like myself. I think I’m pretty damned fun and fantastic. But I die a little every day in this relationship. I feel like I’m always compromising. Always making the consolations in order to get along. Always putting my wants on the back burner for his, because mine usually aren’t big things.

Tonight he said I was pushing him away and he didn’t know why. I told him the truth, and he fell asleep while I was telling him. I understand. It was late, we were in bed, the lights were out, and we’re both tired. But how sad and lonely. And how much easier if I were alone. Lately I feel like I’m more myself without him than I am when I’m with him. I don’t actually want a divorce. I love him. He loves me. We have this beautiful daughter. But I’m losing myself. And I don’t know how to BE myself in the context of this family. I feel like there’s no room for me. Or that I have to fight for it. And it makes me tired, and want to slip away.

How do I stay myself, when myself isn’t what excites my partner anymore? Oh, he says that’s not true, but its’ true. He’s turned on and excited by far greater things than me. I’m just the same old me, no big change. No big challenges. Just there, the constant. Isn’t it natural that I’d withdraw a little?

Things are much better

Went to 2 sessions of counseling and I think we’re back to normal again. He woke up. Didn’t realize how upset I was… Not sure he 100% gets why, but it’s clear he CARES, which frankly, goes a long way since I was feeling like I could fuck off and he wouldn’t even notice… So now he’s trying. And I’m trying. And it’s back to lovey-dovey us.

And by the way, what you can’t tell from this journal, is that usually, we’re DEEPLY in love. I can’t even count the number of our friends who have said that we’re their inspiration for couple-ness — not that that’s important to me in general, but for the purposes of balance in this blog, I feel it should be noted.

went camping by myself for the weekend, had a FUCKING BLAST

totally recharged. I’m awesome! I like me! I’m easy to get along with! I’m fun! I’m handy! It’s nice to meet me again. It’s been awhile!

Two Reasons It’s Not Working, One Small, One Big

I’ve calmed down a bit. Unleashed the beast, and freaked ND out a bit, I think… But calmer and I can think more clearly.

For me there are two issues:

1. Being taken for granted with child care. The default mom. The one who’s job it is to make sure she’s covered. This is not that big an issue alone. If this were the only issue, we wouldn’t have an issue.

2. ND is putting all his energy and focus and time outwards, and is getting all his needs met elsewhere. I, at this time in my life, am putting all my energy inwards on our little family unit, and am waiting for him to get my needs met. This feels like a monumental issue to me. I can’t make him be interested in me. And I’m not happy with what’s left over after Fig*. I feel like I’m losing him to a whole life that he’s made without me, and he wants me to come, but if I don’t want to, see ya. The ND train is moving, get on or get out of the way… Doesn’t he care about what I want?

Why doesn’t he get it – AT ALL??

Seriously. I’m FURIOUS at him…

So this morning I asked him casually what his plans for the evenings this week are, when he’s going to be home, so I can make plans… His reply: “Why don’t you tell me when you want to go out and I’ll work around that? Cause, you know, stuff comes up.”

Is it just me or is he really that big an asshole???? How can he truly be this selfish? It’s absolutely beyond me. And I flew off the handle. Fucking lost my shit and was on fire… Said through clenched teeth “No, why don’t YOU tell me when YOU’RE going to be home so I can work around that? I’m working on having some stuff of my own come up!”

I swear I’ve been calling friends all day to make plans so I don’t have to go home till 3am or something. Just the thought of him now makes me tense up and want to scream… UHHHHHHGH!

10:45am and I’ve already cried 3 times…

Not looking like a good day. I gotta pull my shit together and work on this proposal for GW… But I can’t stop thinking about how angry I am at ND. Oh, and I found out that Michelle left Quill.

Wow, judgemental even in his sleep!

So I go in to lie down, it’s 2am and I’ve been working and seething all night… And as soon as my head hits the pillow he thrashes over and says in his sleep “So what, you’re just going to do nothing for a while?” And I said “What?” and he repeated it, with emphasis. So I get back up and go into the living room again, fantasizing about pushing him off his side of the bed.