Narcissistic Rage – whoa!

Tonight was frightening.

I worked till 8. Called ND on the way home to see if he needed anything, no. Came home to his giving Hallie a bath, I immediately took over. Put on her PJs, made her a bottle, read her a story, put her to bed with her big-girl pillow.

Around 10ish I closed the computer and told ND I was going to bed, and asked if he was going to come in. He made a big show of having SO much work to do that there was no way. He sounded jealous.

He asked if my color printer worked. I said I thought so. He asked if there were writable CDs and DVDs. I said there were, but it was odd, I knew he knew where they were, he uses them more than I do.

11:11 I came in to kiss him. He said he missed me out in the dining room and wished I would come back. I said I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, but would welcome his coming in when he was ready. He seemed jealous. Said he was printing, sounded frustrated.

A little while later I yelled in “Hi” – no response. I said “Hi” again, he said hi back. I asked how he was doing, said he couldn’t get the drivers to work. I suggested he print from my computer. He sounded irritated at the suggestion. After a while, I went in there and said “how’s it going” and he was frustrated that he still couldn’t get it to work. He looked poised to spend all night trying to do things the perfect way and frustrate himself, so I got out the USB cable and plugged it in to his machine and the printer. It worked. Went back to bed.

1/2 hour later he was still in there messing around with it. I came out to check on him. Papers everywhere, the letters he was printing out for the NY Arts Council were there. The text was slightly striped, black and dark gray every 4 lines. But it kind of looked kind of cool, and even deliberate to my eye. I told him he should just leave it, that it was fine. He was insistent that it be fixed. Went back to bed.

Again, after a long while I came out to check. Suggested a head cleaning. He did that. A nozzle check. Something’s wrong with it. I told him I actually now remember that there may have been a problem with it the last time I used it. Thought I hadn’t fixed it. We talked about other options. Printing letterhead on the color printer, the actual letter on B&W. Looked over his shoulder, the ink levels were low, almost empty. Went to the cabinet and got more ink, about to replace the cartridges. Thinking about how the ink costs about $50 a pop, and how I pay for it out of my pocket, I said “Can you get Fig* to pay for new ink?”

FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT!

Started screaming at me. “For what? 4 pages?” Banging things around. Shaking with rage. Slamming his hands on the chair. I looked at him numbly. I’ve been reading lately about narcissism, about how the NPD description fits him completely, and I had even joined a stupid Narcissism Recovery group online a few days before. So his outburst effected me the way it would a complete stranger. I just looked at him blankly and thought, wow, what’s going on here? I said “It’s ok if you want to borrow the printer, but why should I have to pay for the ink?” Yelling that I’m fucking rude. That I’m picking the exact worst time ever to demand that he pay for ink. I said I wasn’t asking him to pay for it, I was asking if he could expense it. He screamed again “For what? Your fucking piece of shit printer?” Went on and on about how horrible a piece of cheap crap my printer is. I said “Is it my responsibility to ensure that it works for you if you want to borrow it?” He screams that I should have helped him more. That I didn’t help him.

Then he grabbed the cat, who had just climbed on his lap, and slammed him hard to the floor. I audibly gasped. It shocked me. i stood there paralyzed. Thought maybe he was going to hit me. Or throw something at me. So I left the room and got into bed. Turned away from him and hid my eyes so he couldn’t see me. He went to the closet and started taking out clothes. Sat on the bed with me in it to put on his socks. Yelled “So do you want to talk about this? Or are you going to make me go out and buy ink right now?” I said I didn’t need ink. That I thought he should calm down. He said he was calm. He was shaking.

So I let him go out. *whew*

At 12:15 I texted my friend Alex and wrote “ND just flew into an out of control rage because my printer wasn’t working and I asked if Fig* could buy the next pack of ink.. He threw the cat, was thrashing things around and then stormed out. He’s scaring me a little, so I just wanted to reach out, sort of not sure if he’d hit me… Not sure why I’m texting you, just in case something happens, I guess.”

He came back around 1:30ish. I pretended to be asleep. He went in the dining room for a long time. I sat reading about narcissistic rages on my iPhone. About 45 minutes passed. Debated not talking to him, or trying to diffuse the situation.

Finally went in and asked “are you feeling any better?” I regret going in there. I was lying to myself, pretending to diffuse, but actually poking a stick at him. He glared at me “You mean. Am I less mad. At YOU?” Ice. I just shook my head and sighed. I said “I was a little worried about you. You seem like something’s really wrong.” He said that what was wrong was that I was so fucking rude! I said “You can continue to try and make this about me, but I wasn’t even engaged.” His response was that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Gave up. Shook my head and went back in the bedroom. He yelled back something about my unwillingness to engage now. I just thought “to what end?”

I’m worried.

In my heart, I’m feeling done here. He’s pushing me farther and farther away. Haven’t even written anything yet about how horrible he’s been during this crisis with my father’s dementia. He’s not here for me. He’s not here for anyone but himself. He has an insatiable appetite for praise, adoration, perfectionism to the exclusion of all else. He has no empathy.

Is it time for an exit strategy?

I read back and see how long I’ve been unhappy. Have I been kidding myself about the good times. Who is my husband? Do I even remotely know the real him?