Scared of my mother

We’ve been getting along so great, and now it feels like it’s going to be over. I made a mistake. She’s been horrible, but one mistake could undo all the good feelings… She’s been pressuring me to tell her the name of my baby, which I don’t want to tell yet, because it’s not finalized, and I don’t want to tell until I give birth. Now, at a low moment, I told a family friend about how I’m feeling and I’m 99% sure she’s gone and told my mother. It’s a longer story than this, but I’m really unhappy about it.

Email exchange with my mom

So I invited my mother to come to my next doctor’s appointment on wednesday morning… I didn’t think it all the way through — that this is my first appointment since switching back to my old doctor; that I won’t be getting a sonogram; that I have a lot of questions about placenta preva and bed rest and having sex and having orgasms; and that most of all I’m scared about the diagnosis of placenta preva and I’d like to feel free to be scared without having to put on a brave face for my mom…

She’s usually great about making me feel better when I’m sick, but this feels like a big deal, and she’s kind of brushing it away like I shouldn’t be worried… And she doesn’t get that not having sex or not having an orgasm for 5 months might be upsetting to me. So upon thinking it through, I decided I didn’t want her to go with me after all.

Here’s the email chain with her — this whole exchange made me feel so trapped because I tried so hard to not get into details, but she just barrels over me and is totally insensitive to my signals and wouldn’t take the hint… But I KNOW that if I say it outright I risk a big fight and she’ll get mad…

I think I did a good job with these emails, but I haven’t heard back yet… Wish me luck!!!

—-

Hey Mom,
If you’re free, it would be much better for you to come with me to my Hospital sonogram appointment on Wednesday in the afternoon instead of the office visit in the morning… I’d love for you to see the high resolution images of the baby and her heart, and the office visit will likely not have any sonogram at all. Let me know if you can make it! Looking forward to seeing you again.
L

Hi Lex,
Unfortunately I teach on Wednesday at 6.
So, can I still come in the morning?
I’d love to come to the hospital next time.
Let me know and where and when.
Love, Mom

Hi Ma,
I so badly don’t want to offend you by saying that I want to do this one myself, but after thinking about it on the weekend I realized that I’m really scared about what she’s going to say about the Placenta Preva diagnosis, and have a bunch of questions about my “parts” that I think I need to ask in private, if you know what I mean… Would you meet me for brunch afterwards though, maybe go to Arba or Beth’s Restaurant at 11am? I’m taking the whole day off and would love to see you.
Xoxo, Lexi

definitey pregnant, my mother was in shock

We went to dinner with my mom and stepfather on Tuesday and they were totally in shock. My mother didn’t believe me at first, and just looked confused. But then they both started crying and were thrilled. The night was EXHAUSTING though. So many questions! questions questions questions!!

My Mother. Myself. Bipolar? Maybe.

Sometimes I wonder if I am becoming what I’ve always hated most about my mother.

Lately I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and helpless, and needy. Sometimes I feel so needy and insecure and obsessive about whatever it is that I’m focused on that I can’t stop running the problems over and over in my head. It’s a churn. Process. Process. Process. Endless circles of trying to solve the unsolvable problem. He said this. I should have done that. What if I had done something else? How could this be happening to me? Should I do X? What if I don’t do anything? Will I be ok? What should I do?!?!?!?!? And these thoughts consume me, and I talk to ND, and to my father, and to my mother, and to my friends. The same conversations, over and over. Never solved. Don’t know what to do. And sometimes I think that this desperate NEED is what my mother must have felt. When she called me 10 times a day. When she insisted that I help her with the comptuer. When she insisted that I go with her on a trip because she was afraid of having an anxiety attack. And I looked down on her for being so weak. I didn’t know. I’m glad for me that I didn’t know, but I feel sad for her.

I don’t really feel “ok” anymore. I don’t think I’m functioning well. I’m taking a cocktail of medications, and each feels lifesaving, and yet, I still don’t feel like myself. Where am I in there? I’m on Zoloft for depression – it has really helped me. Daytrana and Ritilin for ADD – it has REALLY helped me. Xanax for anxiety occasionally – it has helped me sleep sometimes, and to stop the churn other times, and every once and a while it will put the breaks on a full blown anxiety attack.

I always thought of myself as chilled out, but I think I’m a worrier now. When did that happen? When did I start worrying that every action I took could be a huge mistake that could alter the course of my life? When did I start thinking about my own death? When did I lose trust in my own abilities to handle my own life? When did I start to feel so helplessly out of control?

Victim is not a word I ever used to associate with myself, yet I feel like things happen to me in a way I never used to feel… I got laid off from one job, only to find another one that I liked but was miserable in the whole time. Why didn’t I see that I was happy there? Why was I so miserable, why did I think the company was so fucked up?? It really wasn’t. It really was a great company. And then the next job I think I didn’t know how to handle it. I was overwhelmed and didn’t see what I couldn’t do. And people didn’t like working with me, because I was miserable. And now I’m in a job where they think I’m on a power trip. And I’m misunderstood. Yet at the same time, I don’t think I really know how to collaborate. I know how to dictate, and I realize that I am difficult to work with. I feel so awkward sometimes. Like I don’t know how to work with my team. And I feel lonely.

I used to think my mother was weak and incompetant. I used to think she was so smart, yet wasted her life not taking care of herself. And I used to pride myself on my success. But I don’t feel very successful. And I worry that I’m becoming just like her. And that maybe, I am already just like her. And I am doomed to her faults because I can’t get control over myself. I know I need to let go, and that clamping down is making it worse, but if I let go, will I just drift away?

mom calls me 12 times a day

oy… back to 5 years ago… I’m tech support for her compuer woes. I don’t mind helping, but I don’t like the precident.

Just be nice. Get off the phone quickly. Forget it.

Top dog. Under dog.

I feel very lonely tonight. Now. It’s 1:30am, and another night that I can’t sleep.

Today I met with 5 people for my third round of interviews at a company I was really excited about joining. Earlier today, I felt powerful, and appreciated, and excited. They were fantastic. My people. Lovely, nice, warm people who all like each other and all took a genuine interest in wanting to work with me. They’re doing interesting work with the potential to be great. Currently the design sucks, but I can influence that.

By the time I got home though, the doubts set in.

The job wasn’t exactly what I expected. VP Director should include a few things which, in this company, it doesn’t include. So that means that I wouldn’t be running the whole show, rather, I’d be a discipline lead. Which means the job is more about gaining consensus than about directing. If I don’t have control, can I effect change? If I have to gain consensus, can I do the job? Do I want the job? Can I negotiate for more? Is this company really good enough? Is this my ego problem, or is there a structural problem with the company. Am I taking a step down? From what? I don’t have a job. I’m the loser who quit her job because she was afraid she was going to get fired. So who am I to say I’m taking a step down from anything. Or that I’m better than anyone.

I see two issues:
1. Can I relax enough to just be a nice person and do the best I can, which will be a lot?
2. Is this actually a good career move? Or am I just idealizing them because I’ve had such a bad last experience and I think they’re nice? Is it bad to take the first job that has been offered?

I don’t know. And I don’t know how to evaluate. And talking to ND made things MUCH worse, rather than better. He has a way of challenging my “defeatist attitude” at exactly the wrong moment for me. It serves to reinforce “I suck” rather than help support my with “no, you can do this” and now I just feel drained.

I’m too good.
I’m not good enough.
I’m alone.
I’m depressed.

I should be so excited right now. Here’s a good solid company that loves my work, and is excited about me. They’ve pretty much said I have the job. But I’m afraid of blowing it by not being satisfied with what I have before me. Why do I want more? Why am I tempted by the big sexy powerful job if it’s going to make me MISERABLE??? And why do I reject the good solid wants-to-benefit-from-my-knowledge job if it’s going to make me happy and let me have room in my life to be balanced and have other things – like a kid?

How can I get out of my own way??????

Wrangling over the minor nuances

Haven’t written about my mother in a while, but was just sitting here thinking about an exchange we had a few days ago, right before Valentine’s Day. It’s so minor it’s almost not worth mentioning, it wasn’t an incident. However, it felt familiar. An ever so slight boundary crossing.

I was telling her that I hadn’t heard back from my First Choice of New Jobs (FCNJ) yet. Quick background: I had reached out in December, started talking to them in January,  said I was in a rush because I had something else brewing (which was true at the time) and then a week passed with no news. Then I reached out, and by the time I heard back with a “it’s getting clearer” another week passed. Then another week, and got back a “we’ll talk soon”.

So I was talking about this with my mother, debating sending another note to them. She suggested that I call the person I know there. I said I would, but I’d wait a day. And she started pushing. Back and forth for about 10 minutes debating the minutae of something that we’re in 90% agreement about. Back and forth, back and forth.

It’s that old familiar feeling. The one where I’ve actually listened to her, agreed with her, have said that I’m going to take her advice with a slight twist of my own, and she starts fighting to the death to have me do it 100% her way.

As soon as I realized what was happening I cut it off. “Ma, I’m agreeing with you, but I’m doing it when I think it’s right” … “But I really think you should do it my way” … “Ma, I heard you” … “But really, you should…” … “Ma, stop”

It wasn’t an incident. She stopped. I didn’t get angry. But if she hadn’t stopped, I would have gotten angry. It’s so hard to disentangle once the entangling has snuck up on you.

Note to self: don’t get too cozy.

Quit My Job / Having Major Anxiety

I’m having a really hard time lately. I’d forgotten about this blog for a while, but I’m happy to remember that it’s here for me to go back and write in.

I’ve been having anxiety attacks over the last couple of months, it’s the first time I’ve had one since 9/11. And soon after the first one about my job, another came a few days later, and then more and more. They stopped for a while when I gave notice to quit my job, a week and a half ago. But over the last 2 days they’ve somewhat started up again.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be upset by being at a job where I’m not wanted, where I’m irrelevant. I’d pretty much checked out of my job a few months ago after I got a warning after escalating what I thought was a terrible business problem. That felt unjust. And I it was very hard for me to connect with my team. And while it was the most blissful, powerful relief ever to finally say “I’ve had enough torture!” hanging around for 3 weeks to get my paycheck while I look for a new job is its own form of torture.

First of all I feel guilty. Guilty for having not worked out. Guilt for not doing any work, not caring, and just taking the paycheck. I feel like I’m stealing. And I’m lonely, and scared.

D.’s out of town this weekend – for 5 days actually, till Tuesday night. That seems like the LONGEST period of time I could ever imagine. I’ve been lying here actually feeling an anxiety attack slowly wash over me, trying to calm it away, for the last hour and a half, maybe two hours. I found a cut on the cat’s back, and I don’t know what it’s from or how bad it is. Should I take him to the vet? I feel like I should, but he doesn’t look like he’s in pain and it isn’t bleeding and I’m not sure what the vet would do for him other than maybe put a cream on it or something to help it heal faster. But it’s not worth taking him tonight to an emergency vet. And if it’s not an emergency now, is it going to be one tomorrow to miss work for? Work that I’m not doing? Guilt. Eyeroll. God, I’m just pathetic. And I sit here tonight and think “if I can’t get through a night by myself, what am I going to do when my job ends?? I’m going to go crazy!”

I could visit my father. But that would mean spending money I don’t have.
I could ask him for money, but that wasn’t what I meant by quitting.
I don’t deserve to punish myself, I’m a good person in a bad situation, and quitting was a choice, not another form of punishment, so WTF?
I could go to Kripalu and do some yoga for a week, get away, find myself. Meditate. Sounds like a guilty pleasure. And like I would miss D. too much.

Who am I if I’m not working?

What is my purpose here? In this world?

I think it would be dangerous to let myself get pregnant in this mindset. Because it could turn everything around for me, make me feel better, give me a purpose. And that would be delaying these feelings. And what, I then become my mother? The terrified lonely woman who tried everything like guilt and demanding to force me to take care of her? And if I only knew what this felt like then, I might not have minded so much. My fucking god this feels bad.

I feel bad. And I’m trying to tell myself “Let go, there is a purpose.” “Let go, you will get something from this darkness, and emerge stronger and more centered.” And then I wonder if I’m just going to go crazy and do something to hurt myself. Out of blind panic.

I don’t feel the heat in my body anymore right now. The pill I took just before I got my computer must have started to kick in a little, and I’m feeling a little less anxious. But I’m frustrated. And depressed that I feel so off balance. Untrustworthy, like I don’t know I’m really going to be ok, even though I’m just sitting in my house with the ability to do whatever it is in the world that I want to do.

But I’m tired enough to stop writing for now. I’m going to watch Oprah interview people about the supernatural.

Oh, I’ve been thinking about my grandmother a lot. I want to volunteer and keep old people company.

My Mother + Myself

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the email exchange I had with someone who reads my blog. She had a long series of complicated stories about how her mother had done this thing and that, and how she should he do this or that in response, and what does it mean, and how can she still be a good person and save herself, and yet goddamnit what a ^%&$% trap it all is.

It reminded me…

Things have been going so well lately with my own mother that I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be entangled. And today, I feel lucky.

For starters, I’m absolutely sick as a dog. Down for the count. Coughing, dizzy, exhausted. And my mother isn’t calling to drive me crazy. When I spoke to her yesterday I mentioned that I was sick, and she felt badly, and then we hung up, and that was the end of it. I can’t remember the last time it was that simple!

I used to be so focused on her craziness, on the fact that she’d latched into me and wouldn’t let go, on being abandoned. And it made me crazy. Obsessive, angry, sad, upset, turned inside out. But then when she went so far over the deep end around the wedding, I was able to step back. To disengage. Disentangle. At first that was really sad.

Then the feeling of being replaced by my stepsister… The one she never really liked, the one she kicked out of the house and didn’t talk to for years, the one who is now her “new daughter” and a Ms. perfect Stepford… A combination of feelings. Shock, depression, abandonment, sadness. Relief.

But then I think about how smoothly that whole play thing went. She was nice to me, I was warm to her. Everyone got along. My nice and nephew were adorable. We had fun. I have a great family. And it was ok that the night wasn’t all about me.

I realize that this turn of events is the latest chapter in my incredibly lucky life. Not only do I have ND and great friends, a great career (even if it’s a shitty job) and a healthy happy prospect for the future – but I also have a Borderline Mother who has a NEW willing target for all her crazy “daughter” expectations, and I get what’s left over!

And what’s left over is pretty great. She’s smart, and funny, really talented, and we have a great time together, and laugh, and I feel at home. When she’s not picking me apart. And with Ali as her Slave-Daughter and me as the distant Not-That-Daughter, I get all the goods left over. And it’s actually working. And I think we’re both happy.

Yea.

Little Girls, Crazy Mothers + Getting Blamed at Work

There’s a play in town that I used to love when I was a little girl which had great meaning to me. I must have seen it with every relative and with my parents several times over… It was a favorite dream of mine to be in that play, and was something my mother used to find very charming.

Over Thanksgiving, I mentioned to my mother that I’d love to go, and wouldn’t it be fun if we went together — to my HUGE surprise though, she already had plans to go — with my step-sister and her daughter. So while I do think my mother has somewhat replaced me with Ali in her mind and heart, I don’t have a huge issue with that, and think it’s probably the best for all of us. However, in this instance, it did hurt me that not only didn’t my mother think to ask me, but that she didn’t even seem to remember how much we shared when I was little. It makes me sad that that’s gone.

So when she told me she was going with Ali, I told her that it hurt my feelings. I said it matter of factly, without any goal of getting a reaction from her. So of course she backpeddles, does a whole song and dance about how she didn’t know, didn’t think I’d want to, could go another night, blah blah blah… And so what does she do? Three days later, after Thanksgiving? She goes out and buys me a ticket for the same night, of course it’s not sitting with them, and of course it’s one ticket all alone somewhere, and says “we’ll work it out”… So now I’m obligated to go in an effort to acknowledge that she tried, but it’s going to be incredibly awkward, lonely, and painful. And then I have to have dinner with them afterwards. I considered backing out, but that would lead to a HUGE fight that I’m not invested enough to have right now.

So there you have it. Fun fun.

And finally, I need to find another job. Fast. While the big drama seemed to have gone my way at first (and they took my advice for how to change things by promoting someone and taking a whole chunk of work away from my crazy partner) it seems that all is not as rosy as I had hoped. I was blindsided by a “review” (actually it was a warning) and really got my hand slapped for a whole series of things that are a direct result to not having enough staff to do the work. And a little of my ADD mixed in.

Feeling very scared right now.