Posts filed under ‘Staging My Comeback’
This probably doesn’t count, and if it were in the context of a happy relationship I’d never even think to note it, but I may as well not censer myself.
This morning I said to ND “Did you notice how much I cleaned for the house appraisal guy?” He said “Yes, it looks great.” and I said “Yeah, other than the floor, it almost looks like the housekeeper came.” He responded “I thought she did come.” and I said “Thank you, that’s such a nice thing to say.” — I meant that he said it looked as good as if pu had come, but I realized as I said that, and as I looked at him, that he actually didn’t say that. He said he thought she came, and that someone else had done it. I KNOW he didn’t think she came. And I know he knew I did it, because I told him in the morning that I was going to. So why give such a cagey compliment? It felt like he was trying to get out of it technically, by complimenting me in appearance only.
See, this kind of thing makes me think I’m going nuts…
I’ll write more later. Off to see a shrink today for the first time in years.
Btw, I told him this morning that I wanted us to see a counselor, that I wasn’t happy with where we were and I thought we needed help. His first response was quite annoyed and he said “Well I feel like we’re all over the place. One minute we’re happy. The next we’re not. It’s a yo-yo and you’re not telling me what’s going on.” I responded by saying “Well, a counselor will help with that.” And for the next 20 minutes he pouted, frowned, looked all hangdog. I told him I wanted him to choose the counselor, but he said he didn’t care, that he wouldn’t like anyone…
f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.o.n.
January 26, 2010 at 6:34 pm
I feel very lonely tonight. Now. It’s 1:30am, and another night that I can’t sleep.
Today I met with 5 people for my third round of interviews at a company I was really excited about joining. Earlier today, I felt powerful, and appreciated, and excited. They were fantastic. My people. Lovely, nice, warm people who all like each other and all took a genuine interest in wanting to work with me. They’re doing interesting work with the potential to be great. Currently the design sucks, but I can influence that.
By the time I got home though, the doubts set in.
The job wasn’t exactly what I expected. VP Director should include a few things which, in this company, it doesn’t include. So that means that I wouldn’t be running the whole show, rather, I’d be a discipline lead. Which means the job is more about gaining consensus than about directing. If I don’t have control, can I effect change? If I have to gain consensus, can I do the job? Do I want the job? Can I negotiate for more? Is this company really good enough? Is this my ego problem, or is there a structural problem with the company. Am I taking a step down? From what? I don’t have a job. I’m the loser who quit her job because she was afraid she was going to get fired. So who am I to say I’m taking a step down from anything. Or that I’m better than anyone.
I see two issues:
1. Can I relax enough to just be a nice person and do the best I can, which will be a lot?
2. Is this actually a good career move? Or am I just idealizing them because I’ve had such a bad last experience and I think they’re nice? Is it bad to take the first job that has been offered?
I don’t know. And I don’t know how to evaluate. And talking to ND made things MUCH worse, rather than better. He has a way of challenging my “defeatist attitude” at exactly the wrong moment for me. It serves to reinforce “I suck” rather than help support my with “no, you can do this” and now I just feel drained.
I’m too good.
I’m not good enough.
I’m alone.
I’m depressed.
I should be so excited right now. Here’s a good solid company that loves my work, and is excited about me. They’ve pretty much said I have the job. But I’m afraid of blowing it by not being satisfied with what I have before me. Why do I want more? Why am I tempted by the big sexy powerful job if it’s going to make me MISERABLE??? And why do I reject the good solid wants-to-benefit-from-my-knowledge job if it’s going to make me happy and let me have room in my life to be balanced and have other things – like a kid?
How can I get out of my own way??????
April 13, 2007 at 5:46 am
Tomorrow is Father’s day and I’m already dreading it. Seems silly, since my own father is so wonderful and there are no obligations there, and if I remember to call he’ll be happy, and if I don’t remember he’ll either not notice or call me if he wants to talk.
No, it's my step-father that makes me dread father's day. Fraught with obligations and the near certainty that I'll fuck something up. 11am calls from my mother, waking me up to say, "No one's called John yet, it's father's day and he's depressed. How could you!" Years of this. The day to do your duty. The day to pledge allegiance. The day to sacrifice your self on the altar of the man who fucks your mother because god forbid he admits to himself that he's not your real father. No, he's the "other" father. In my home, stepfather is a dirty word.
Last year I chose not to acknowledge father's day for John. For 6 months he took my mother's side in the non-fight that caused her to stop speaking to me after my wedding. Sorry, he "stayed out of it". Meaning that "it was just a fight with your mother" so therefore he doesn't have to show any interest in me. If he had been my real father, he would have engaged me in some form of communication. He would have noticed. At least a little. So I would acknowledge his birthday with a card, because after all he has been my "other father" since I was 7 years old. But not father's day.
Isn't father's day supposed to be a day when you thank the man who's loved and taken care of you for their role in your life? For being there? And what if they haven't been there?
So I will call tomorrow. And it won't be a big deal. And I'll say I love him. And I'll do the right thing. But I do feel anxious about it. And I'm still dreading it.
June 17, 2006 at 9:11 pm
Big client dinner, multiple agencies, stayed on program, big launch tomorrow. The culmination of a lot of hard work for many team members. I feel really good.
June 8, 2006 at 2:46 am
I had my weigh in this morning for my first week back on Weight Watchers and lost 5.2 pounds! I feel fantastic. Glowing, beaming, content.
It's funny, I think this may be the most weight I've ever lost in one week. It's also the first time since I've been married that I really felt like I could make an eating change without too much trouble. I think one of the things that helped me was trying Core. In the past, Core freaked me out, I felt deprived, there was NO WAY I could spend a week on a "diet"… This time, I made a decision that I actually was ready to make some changes in my eating, and that Core might be a big enough jolt to make me wake up a little.
Hello.
Anyway, I'm going to try Core again this week. I don't know that it's something I'll be able to do forever because it really doesn't allow for eating out comfortably, but that's not something I have to worry about right now. For now, I feel happy to be back in control.
June 7, 2006 at 2:35 am
I'm not good with using month-long goals to make myself do things I'm not quite ready to do. I think I have to actually be ready to do them in order to be successful, surprise surprise.
So here I am, Staging My Comeback II. This time I'm just trying. I'm not setting major MUST DO THIS goals, I'm just trying. However, I'm on Weight Watchers agin. I promised that I'd be on program this week. I was, and am. I'm 27 points over for the week, but it's the best 27 points over I've ever experienced. Wine tasting with my dad, a little extra butter at LB+D's wedding lunch, Thai Satee when I was unprepared at ranger training…
It's all good. I weigh in in the morning, I think I'll lose weight. I feel good. Myself again. Next week I think I'll try core again.
June 6, 2006 at 1:31 am
I've written a post in my head every day this week. I've been thinking about writing, I've composed ideas, come to revelations. Yet I'm hung up on my broken vows and my for-one-month-I-will's…
But rather than berate myself for what I haven't done, I will say this. I do want to stage my comeback. I do want to be present. I do want to lose weight, to be happier, to feel more alive.
The road to reaching my goals is definitely not to focus on what I haven't done, but to pull myself up by my bootstraps and start now. There is a difference between being accountable and being debilitating.
Who am I? I'm sensitive, oversensitive, distrusting and wary.
I can use this to my advantage, or I can set myself up for failure. Smaller goals are key. Forget the month-long all or nothing vows. For one month I will try to keep my goals in focus.
May 7, 2006 at 1:49 am
Wrote a post yesterday and it didn't go through. 
But I don't remember what I wrote… Got back on track as far as getting to work on time, still writing, but I don't feel that momentum as far as staging my comeback.
I don't trust me to keep my word to myself. I want to be trustworthy, and I mean well, but I can usually anticipate when I'm not going to do what I say.
Who am I? I don't think I quite know.
Being present. Where am I?
May 1, 2006 at 5:42 am
The road to hell is that it’s 8:42 and I haven’t even showered yet. Another day of broken promises.
April 28, 2006 at 5:03 am
Painful, circular, EXHAUSTING fight with my mother tonight at dinner. We reenacted much the same old script – her demands, my inability to deliver, our conflicting definitions of love… Even though she walked out when I said I would be there if she were sick but that I wouldn’t take care of her anxieties around being sick, she called me and wanted to talk again and not undo all the hard work we’ve done lately. I’m relieved that there’s no 3 months without her talking to me this time…
The conversation did make me rethink my stance that it’s ok that I’m all over the place. Honestly though, I don’t know that I can be more consistant. I don’t think it’s possible for me to be consistant 100% of the time, about all things. I’m just not linear, and I never have been.
But the question I have, which makes me sad to write, is what does that statement mean for me? Can I still consider myself a good daughter/friend if I disappear for a month and reemerge not realizing how much time has passed? Does the other person have any responsibility to let me know their needs, or is this my problem to fix? You know what they say about the road to hell…
April 27, 2006 at 10:52 pm
Older Posts
