Holy shit, it looks like I’m pregnant!

Yesterday ND and I went to the mermaid parade in coney island and ran into some friends we haven’t seen in a while who, much to our surprise, now have a 2 month old baby. She was telling us that she’s 45 and wasn’t expecting to have children at all, so this was a happy surprise. She said she was going for a mammagram and knew they’d ask if she was pregnant, so one saturday morning she was up early and took a pregnancy test. Lo and behold, she was positive! So she went and woke her man up and told him.

Later, I was telling ND about that story, and he was like “Yeah, cause false positives are really rare!” — anyway, so this morning, ND went out and I slept in (haven’t been sleeping well lately) and when I woke up, I decided to take a test. I’m VERY irregular with my period, and I really don’t keep track, but I did spot one day recently and thought I was about to get my period and then nothing happened, and it’s been a while since I got it, so I figured what the hell, lemme see…

Lo and behold, I my test was positive!!!

Empty

I feel so empty. This is an attitude that I would like to shed.

I’ve felt empty this whole weekend, and did nothing positive to change it. I did a heroic “save my husband” move by helping him with a big project that was upsetting him, but in the process I avoided working on my best friend’s wedding invitations, avoided doing the poster he needed me to do, avoided working on my resume, and never packed for Atlanta.

I went to ranger training yesterday. It was the only way I can ranger on the playa this year, so I went, but I wasn’t really fully there. I worked on NDs project while I was there, and paid only half attention. On one hand I’ve been to 4 trainings, so none of it is new, and I wasn’t disrupting anyone. But on the other hand, I acted as if I don’t need to follow the same rules as everyone else.

I feel like I’m floating along, numb, waiting. The way to change that feeling is to do something to show that I am taking care of myself. Take a short walk. Do Bzzy’s invites. Wash my clothes. Eat something healthy. But it’s too late for eating healthy, I ate a burrito and nachos. I feel like crying, and this ache in my chest is throbbing.

Insecurity. I feel lost, like I’m not sure I can take care of myself. I’m going to start saving money in a serious way, even set up a bi-monthly auto pay today to save $2000 per month. I’ll try to stop spending. Set aside for my future. I am not invincible.

Am I dead? Or just acting like it?

Since I quit my job it has been quite a roller coaster. Exhilarating and a huge relief on one hand, but really blah, kind of depressing, and uncertain on the other… First of all, it has been much harder to find a new job than I thought it would be. Well, maybe not “harder” per se, but it has sure taken a lot longer. My last day was February 23rd, so that means I haven’t been working for 6 weeks. Wow. Now that I’m looking at the calendar, that’s longer than I thought. Somehow I was thinking it was only 3-4 weeks. Well, I guess 4-5 isn’t that off from 6… Anyway. The point is that this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. I thought I’d get something instantly. And it’s not for lack of trying. I put in several hours every day on the job hunt, and have lots of great leads. But I’m not in a huge rush to just take something, anything, either. I want the right fit, so I’m just chugging along.

But I feel like I’m not really here, if you know what I mean. Oh sure, I’ve done some stuff… I took a freelance job for a while, took a cooking class, talked to two people about volunteering, gone out some, cleaned a few closets… But mostly I’ve just been playing a whole lot of Civilization. And staying up way too late, and eating too much. And sitting around obsessively checking email. And sleeping. And quietly letting hours pass as I watch TV.

I have the distinct feeling that I’m waiting for something. It’s like I’m waiting for someone to say “Ok, go!” or for someone to tell me that I’m awesome again. And it makes me wonder, when did I stop being awesome? And if I’m still awesome, why don’t I actually want to do anything? The whole world is open to me and I’m drawing a big fat blank. Awesome.

But it’s also not like I’m not interested in anything, or don’t have anything I can or want to do… I have so many little projects… Check that the insurance hasn’t run out on my ring. Buy train tickets for our trip to England. Write to my friend Rick about having lunch. Shorten my white fake fur coat. Make an interior fabric structure for our dome at Burning Man. Re-solder the el-wire connection that broke on my red jacket. Join Weight Watchers again. Take walks in the park, get my bike out of storage. Go shopping for new clothes. For new makeup. Finish playing Zelda on the Wii. Read God of Small Things which I started 2 weeks ago and haven’t made it through the first chapter. Replace the bulb in my head lamp. Find a new OB/GYN. Call Tony Robbins maybe, or check out Landmark Forum… Do something. Call someone. Take action. Stop waiting.

Ok, go!

:/

Feeling good tonight

Big client dinner, multiple agencies, stayed on program, big launch tomorrow. The culmination of a lot of hard work for many team members. I feel really good.

Wooo Wooo!!! Great News!

I had my weigh in this morning for my first week back on Weight Watchers and lost 5.2 pounds! I feel fantastic. Glowing, beaming, content.

It's funny, I think this may be the most weight I've ever lost in one week. It's also the first time since I've been married that I really felt like I could make an eating change without too much trouble. I think one of the things that helped me was trying Core. In the past, Core freaked me out, I felt deprived, there was NO WAY I could spend a week on a "diet"… This time, I made a decision that I actually was ready to make some changes in my eating, and that Core might be a big enough jolt to make me wake up a little.

Hello. 

Anyway, I'm going to try Core again this week. I don't know that it's something I'll be able to do forever because it really doesn't allow for eating out comfortably, but that's not something I have to worry about right now. For now, I feel happy to be back in control. 

Still here, still working on the comeback

I'm not good with using month-long goals to make myself do things I'm not quite ready to do. I think I have to actually be ready to do them in order to be successful, surprise surprise.

So here I am, Staging My Comeback II. This time I'm just trying. I'm not setting major MUST DO THIS goals, I'm just trying. However, I'm on Weight Watchers agin. I promised that I'd be on program this week. I was, and am. I'm 27 points over for the week, but it's the best 27 points over I've ever experienced. Wine tasting with my dad, a little extra butter at LB+D's wedding lunch, Thai Satee when I was unprepared at ranger training…

It's all good. I weigh in in the morning, I think I'll lose weight. I feel good. Myself again. Next week I think I'll try core again.  

Comeback, or go forth?

I've written a post in my head every day this week. I've been thinking about writing, I've composed ideas, come to revelations. Yet I'm hung up on my broken vows and my for-one-month-I-will's…

But rather than berate myself for what I haven't done, I will say this. I do want to stage my comeback. I do want to be present. I do want to lose weight, to be happier, to feel more alive.

The road to reaching my goals is definitely not to focus on what I haven't done, but to pull myself up by my bootstraps and start now. There is a difference between being accountable and being debilitating. 

Who am I? I'm sensitive, oversensitive, distrusting and wary.  

I can use this to my advantage, or I can set myself up for failure.  Smaller goals are key. Forget the month-long all or nothing vows. For one month I will try to keep my goals in focus.

Staging My Comeback

Thursday, April 20, 2006, 6:45pm, en route from charlotte to NY after meetings

So, a few weeks ago on Oprah I saw a show on women who had let themselves go. Overall it was a somewhat boring show, but there were a few things that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. Staging your own comeback. That’s what these women had decided to do, and most had undergone pretty serious transformations. Some in their bodies and weight, but all in their overall outward appearance.

I want to stage my own comeback. I’m also afraid.

On Tuesday Alan and I were talking about my passive aggressive behavior at work, my lack of boundaries, the sense that I was slipping into a bad (repeat) pattern at work that I didn’t want, yet felt compelled to continue with. He said one word that really rang true to me. Being present.

I think that’s what I’m having the most trouble with. That when things get really tough, when I’m really angry or upset or feel wronged, that I shut down and am no longer present. It’s what my mother does, so it doesn’t surprise me that I have picked up that way of dealing with situations. But ultimately, it hurts me, and I want to find a way of deliberately setting new boundaries, rather than acting out.

So that brings me to the question of how to stage a comeback without fully being present. There are so many areas in my life right now where I’m not fully present. To my credit, I am trying. I’ve been so incredibly stressed out, that shutting off happened in many areas before I realized it, and I’ve had to try to systematically “make the rounds” on my life and try to wake myself up.

Here are some of my successes so far:

• Cleaning up. I’ve really been making an effort (it started out as “for ND” but is now for me) to keep my surroundings nice. That means keeping my eyes open again and becoming a participant in the household rather than someone who’s just there.
• Paying bills and sorting mail. Doing our taxes was a major click-in for me. I suddenly realized how out of touch I was with MY personal bills, that I pulled myself up, sorted through everything, and am now maintaining a small pile of 3-5 envelopes at any given time instead of the 25-50 that were spilling over the desk. Seeing Oprah’s Debt Diet was also a big part of this.
• Going to the gym – for a while. Good move, proved too much for the time being, so I DECIDED to stop for a while. Now, if I were really present, I would have called Jackie after the time I canceled to tell her, rather than just disappearing off the face of the earth.

There are other areas though that I want to start working on:

• Showing up to work on time. I’m ALWAYS late. Almost every day. I’m exhausted all the time, have a lot of trouble waking up, and I’ve been using that as an excuse to blow work off. What I’d like to do is find a way to not feel so tired. Part of that is simply deciding that showing up on time is important to me, and actually wanting to wake up.

• Food and my body. I avoid the mirror. I look in it as infrequently as possible, and for as short a time as possible. And when I do look, I try to look at my face and see the prettiness behind all the skin. The other times I look I want to vomit. I would like to stop punishing myself with food. I want to stop. And I want to decide that food isn’t that important to me. I want to dress up for work and put makeup on.

• Walking to work. I live 4 blocks from the office and I take a cab. I HATE that about myself. I feel guilty and angry at myself. Part of it is that I’m tired. I don’t want to go where I’m going. I stall until I’m so late that I almost have to. And I’m kind of lazy, and have always hated walking.

• Setting reasonable work boundaries. Silly things like taking lunch breaks, leaving before 7pm, not thinking about work in my off time.

So I really like the term “staging my own comeback.” My interior language for this is “letting myself shine,” but that’s not at action, and it’s hard to decide one day “Ok, today I’m going to let myself shine.” I mean, it takes getting to. You don’t show up one day shiny, you have to polish yourself up a bit first and maybe smooth out the edges, pick some tarnish out. If I stage my own comeback though, it implies that I’m on the road, and that I’m taking action, and that I have a goal. At least I know what that goal looks like. Or do I?

So begs the first task of Oprah’s comeback recipe. I want. Ok, I will do this for a while. How long. Ok, I will do this for one month. Daily. In the morning. Me-Time.

My decisions:

• For one month I will walk to and from work every day.

• For one month I will leave the house early enough for me to be on time to work AND walk there. If I have to be at work at 8:30-9, and 9 is ok with Adam, I’ll be there BY 9 at the latest. So let me do the work now, so it won’t be hard later. I will leave the house by 8:30. That gives me half hour to walk the 4 blocks to work. Ample time for me to bumble in, get some breakfast or coffee, and have a leisurely morning. I think the more leisurely my morning is, the less I’ll resent having to go to the office.

• For one month I will write an answer to “who am I” in a journal. It doesn’t have to be long, or take long. But I will attempt something every day. Even the weekends. I will try to do this in the mornings, but maybe on a lunch break if writing it in the morning looks like it may make me late.

• For one month, I will make an effort to be present. I will not use being present as an excuse to give myself more pressure and load on more goals..

So, without further ado, who am I?

I am SpaceGirl. I’m the girl with big funky klunky silver boots with the sexy bod and died pink hair. I’m a little bit loud, but a hell of a lot of fun. I’m carefree. I laugh a lot and things don’t phase me. I’m a party girl, but also sweet, and somewhat goofy. And also sexy. I am a little bit chubby, but in a yummy way, not fat. Soft, round, lit up. I’m someone who people want to be around. I make them feel good about themselves, because I feel good about myself. I get a kick out of myself. And I’m charming and kind and cute and a little naughty. I don’t follow the rules, but I don’t break them either. I don’t know anyone else like me.

And wow, how I miss me!

Waking Up

Lately I think I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I work too much, eat too much, and don’t sleep enough… I feel a little lost, like I just woke up from a long long sleep, and realized that all my friends have moved on without me. They're there if I reach out to them, but I'm not really sure who I want to reach out to.

I had an amazing talk with Bzzy last night. She came over at 4 (I left work early to write reviews from home) and stayed till 7:30. It was amazing, and refreshing, and just what I needed. Why do I so seldom see friends anymore? I think I feel disconnected, and fear that connecting will be such an effort – more energy than I have.

I'm reminded of a few things:

My life needs to be bigger.

I realized something important last night that I think will help me. My world has gotten small again. When I met ND my world was expanding. Many many loving friends in my life. A close knit family. Great job, not working too hard. Exciting plans, ideas, activities, Burning Man type living, fun, too much to do, not enough time to do it in.

Waking up and looking around, things feel different. It's more like what my life used to be, before I went to Burning Man, before I met D. If I try to think about who I've seen in the last few weeks, I can't think of anyone. Some work friends of D.'s, but who else? Anyone? Maybe Dave and Rachel? Not since New Years. I try to think about things I've done that have been fun. I can't think of anything. Fun was last weekend, luxuriating in not having to work for once. Sleeping late.

Why have I let my life get so small again?

D. can't be my only source of connection.

D.'s fantastic, but he can't fulfill all my needs. I need women in my life, more friends in general. More stimulation from other sources. The more time I spend only with ND the more I start to compare myself to him, and the less I value my own merits. I can't see them, they're lost and I can only see what he brings to me. Feed me. Fill me up with light. Help me navigate the dark, the lonliness. I need more sources of light, from different directions.

The best people around me reflect light.

Last night Bzzy late-dialed me to warn me about the type of people I surround myself with. That some of my friends had dark energy, black. I'm not sure if I totally agree, if I can see the black energy in them, but I do know that the BEST people around me bring their own light. I have light inside me, but it dims. When I'm around some people, we seem to radiate energy together. I need to look for those people. Surround myself with people who make my light brighter.

My body is as important as my mind.

I've been entirely in my own head lately. Thinking about my job from a strategic angle. Trying. Working. Focusing. It's amazing what my body does as I type those words. It contracts, tenses, stresses, narrows. My eyes squint, my brows furrow, my arms tighten. I never realized…

It's so important for me to be in my body, too. The happiest times in my life have been the times when I'm in my body. Feeling my breath on the insides of my nostrils, in my throat, filling my chest, the muscles of my stomach expanding and contracting as my chest rises and falls. Feeling the softness of my skin between my fingers as I type, the chill of my wet hair tickling my back.

Maybe if I can enjoy my body, I won't need to numb myself with food. Maybe that's too much pressure to put on myself.

I need more spirituality in my life.

Mind. Body. Spirit. I don't even know where to start. Breathing. In; Out. Yoga? Feels forced. Meditation? Maybe in small ways to start. Careful not to force myself, and then fail. HAH! Lexi fails at spirituality. Alert the media.

Balance.

I'm so off kilter. The HUGE focus on my job, so few friends in my life right now, no one close, everyone at an arms length except D., who I'm squeezing dry. Little time for anything. Work; Eat; Sleep;. Numbing myself with food, eating till I can't feel.

Focus on bringing balance.

all work and no play

I'm mentally exhausted. I saw Bzzy this weekend and seeing her showed me how off balance I am. She's bright and alive, and her skin looked amazing. I'm crashing. Unhappy. Barely hanging on. Months of working 90+ hours/week, and now I'm down in the 60+ and it is still too much. I feel like I should be happy, like it's managable. Like, if I can't handle 60+ hours/week there's something wrong with me. But my soul is tired.

I also can't stop eating. Eat eat eat. One fattening food after another. And the more I eat, the less I have energy, and the worse I feel about myself. I'm exhausted all the time. I have trouble moving. I am embarassed to show my arms out of a shirt. I need to do something. Today. Soon. Even the Ritilin doesn't wake me up anymore. I could sleep for a year and still not get enough.

My friend Bluish is worried about me. She thinks being bright and cheery and social is part of me, and there's something wrong if I don't ever want to go out. She's right.

I've gained all my weight back, and all I see is fat. And I close my eyes and in my inner self, I'm not fat. And when I look in the mirror I'm shocked. Repeatedly shocked, and horrified. How can this be me. My skin has swallowed my face, and it's no longer me. But it is me. Hiding in the dark, in my fat, hoping no one will come wake me. Asleep.