What if I’m not a good leader?

My new job isn’t going well… I think I was set up in my position really badly and got off to a terrible start. However, I also haven’t been able to turn it around. I feel tentative, confused, overwhelmed. And I really don’t know how to lead this team towards a bright and shiny future. I don’t feel I can manage the team the way I’m used to, and I don’t think the way I’m trying to do it is working.

I wish there was a clear direction for how to take a group that’s made up of apathetic primadonnas and grumpy curmudgeons and turn them into a happy, excited, prosperous group. Ok, “inspire them”. Yeah. How? They don’t trust me, I haven’t made a single decision that has gone unquestioned or unchallenged, and I’m flat out nervous. Tentative. I feel like they don’t like me, and I’m so much more withdrawn than I ever have been…

My Mother. Myself. Bipolar? Maybe.

Sometimes I wonder if I am becoming what I’ve always hated most about my mother.

Lately I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and helpless, and needy. Sometimes I feel so needy and insecure and obsessive about whatever it is that I’m focused on that I can’t stop running the problems over and over in my head. It’s a churn. Process. Process. Process. Endless circles of trying to solve the unsolvable problem. He said this. I should have done that. What if I had done something else? How could this be happening to me? Should I do X? What if I don’t do anything? Will I be ok? What should I do?!?!?!?!? And these thoughts consume me, and I talk to ND, and to my father, and to my mother, and to my friends. The same conversations, over and over. Never solved. Don’t know what to do. And sometimes I think that this desperate NEED is what my mother must have felt. When she called me 10 times a day. When she insisted that I help her with the comptuer. When she insisted that I go with her on a trip because she was afraid of having an anxiety attack. And I looked down on her for being so weak. I didn’t know. I’m glad for me that I didn’t know, but I feel sad for her.

I don’t really feel “ok” anymore. I don’t think I’m functioning well. I’m taking a cocktail of medications, and each feels lifesaving, and yet, I still don’t feel like myself. Where am I in there? I’m on Zoloft for depression – it has really helped me. Daytrana and Ritilin for ADD – it has REALLY helped me. Xanax for anxiety occasionally – it has helped me sleep sometimes, and to stop the churn other times, and every once and a while it will put the breaks on a full blown anxiety attack.

I always thought of myself as chilled out, but I think I’m a worrier now. When did that happen? When did I start worrying that every action I took could be a huge mistake that could alter the course of my life? When did I start thinking about my own death? When did I lose trust in my own abilities to handle my own life? When did I start to feel so helplessly out of control?

Victim is not a word I ever used to associate with myself, yet I feel like things happen to me in a way I never used to feel… I got laid off from one job, only to find another one that I liked but was miserable in the whole time. Why didn’t I see that I was happy there? Why was I so miserable, why did I think the company was so fucked up?? It really wasn’t. It really was a great company. And then the next job I think I didn’t know how to handle it. I was overwhelmed and didn’t see what I couldn’t do. And people didn’t like working with me, because I was miserable. And now I’m in a job where they think I’m on a power trip. And I’m misunderstood. Yet at the same time, I don’t think I really know how to collaborate. I know how to dictate, and I realize that I am difficult to work with. I feel so awkward sometimes. Like I don’t know how to work with my team. And I feel lonely.

I used to think my mother was weak and incompetant. I used to think she was so smart, yet wasted her life not taking care of herself. And I used to pride myself on my success. But I don’t feel very successful. And I worry that I’m becoming just like her. And that maybe, I am already just like her. And I am doomed to her faults because I can’t get control over myself. I know I need to let go, and that clamping down is making it worse, but if I let go, will I just drift away?

It’s so hard to not be GIVEN leadership

I took this job expecting to lead the department. There’s another person there who’s now my equal. This is hard, not what I wanted. The CEO is an asshole, totally insulting to me, humiliated me and wouldn’t listen at all.

However, I need to learn how to collaborate. I need to learn how to influence others without dictating. I don’t know these things. I have no model. I’ve been doing the Tony Robbins coaching thing, and here are my notes from tonight’s session. They profoundly affected me:

Two approaches to this work situation.
1. I can look at this in a way that makes me feel right and gives me short term solutions and I look for a new job
2. Or, put all of it aside and look at what can I learn from this, and how did I contribute to this position, and how can I use what I learned to have a better situation next go around. Take ownership.
a. Collaboration, yet I’m upset about not being in a high position.
b. I’m feeling victimized – victim thinking does not give me any choices.
c. What people default to when they don’t like, the put all the attention on themselves and how they feel, and then they have 0 ability to influence the other person.
i. So first, understand what could cause someone to react the way they are. What would cause him to feel this way, and how can I help him with that? Really find out what he’s up to. Try to understand his goals, and what’s critical and important to him.
ii. If you want to sell something to someone, you put aside your product and outcome for a bit and put all your attention on what makes you tick and what you’re about, and then looks for how to match your product to that.
3. I chose to put this out to the universe, now what am I going to learn?

6 Human Needs:
All people will find a way to get these needs met, but they may not be the most positive or productive.
1. Need for connection and love
2. Need to be different, separate and unique + significant
3. Need for certainty, consistency
4. Need for variety and uncertainty
5. Need to grow
6. Need to contribute
So what’s happening is that we have a propensity for some more than others. It’s all a matter of degrees though. How am I getting my needs met? The more I get them met based on ME the better.

3 Messages Today:
1. I have to go on with the other parts of my life in spite of how I’m feeling at work. I know I don’t feel like it, but I’m going to break this pattern. It will not tear down my other goals no matter what I’m feeling like at work. I’ll still take care of my health.
2. Whenever I want to influence someone, I have to be the one to change my behavior. I can influence you authentically, understand you, what you’re up to, what you really want, and I try to match that by helping you see that if you do what I want it will help you get what you want. GET SOMEONE TO MOVE FOR THEIR REASONS – AND TO DO THAT, I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THEIR REASONS.
a. Have to let go of my own outcomes for a bit. Focus on their outcomes.
3. I have a great need for significance. The way I start learning how to create significance in some additional way. I can’t always get someone to tell me I’m great, I can’t always seek it.
a. I can use this job to become amazing at collaborative work.
b. Even if I end up being a leader, even the best leaders need to move into collaborative mode, so I have to be able to transition into collaborative.

TAKE A MOMENT AND BE PROUD OF MYSELF FOR WHAT I HAVE ALREADY LEARNED.

Jay’s suspicious behavior

Couple more things…

RED FLAG: I asked one of the junior team members, to get Jay’s input on a project he was doing. Since Jay comes from a copy background, I thought he could help give this person some help in creating more emotional work. I found out later that the junior guy had asked Jay for help, but that Jay said no because he didn’t want too many cooks in the kitchen.

RED FLAG: I asked Jay to send me the work he was doing on a pitch before it went out. He never sent it. I passed by his office on my way out for the long weekend and asked to see what he did when I returned on Tuesday. He said ok, but didn’t look pleased. Should I push it on Tuesday?

RED FLAG: Jay knew what I was working on (it was a direct assignment from the CEO and President) and offered to help. I said great, email me your thoughts. He never did. Jay is friends with our CEO. Should I have asked him how he knew what I was working on?

Day 8, already weird…

Ok, so there have been a number of weird things about this job, I’d like to keep a bit of an asshole journal, to keep tabs on a situation that is raising all my red flags.

1. The day I was expecting the final offer (after a HARD negotiating process) my boss to be tells me that he wants me to meet one more person, Jay. Now, Jay is supposed to report to me, but in the email he refers to him as my partner. I clarify. Bossman says he’s a report, but will be operating more as a peer since he’s got good experience. I say that’s not what i’m looking for, and furthermore, I won’t reenter the interview process. Either give me the offer or not, but I don’t need this job.

2. I get the offer, accept, and then go meet Jay. Jay is in the most prominant office and tells me all the things he wants to do to fix the department, starting with having had a meeting to tell them that he’s going to be there to help them.

3. I tell Bossman that my red flags are up, and I want things clarified. I want him to write my job description, and I’ll write Jay’s, and we’ll get this sorted out before I officially start work… I want the right office. Because Bossman already sent out the announcement that I was starting work, I agree to let him save face and I’ll write the job description from the office… I do my part, I doesn’t do his, never wrote my description.

4. In an effort to work this out as quickly as possible, I agree to go to Jay directly and talk to him about his job description. He seems ok about it, we have a nice chat. All good.

5. Day 4 and I suddenly have a new boss. “Regionalization.” So all the previous conversations are out the window. And my new boss, JM tells me that my job descriptions are heavy handed. It seems he’s talked to Jay.

6. I apologize to Jay. and say that in an effort to avoid politics, I may have intadvertantly made things more political. He accepts the apology nicely.

7. Day 7 and I’m still in the same shitty office, while Jay. is in the best office. They try to move him and he acts like a MAJOR asshole! “Well, I don’t want to share an office.” Bad body language, snippy, and I’m brought into the mix.

8. Day 8 the CEO tells Jay. and another director that they can pick whatever office they want to share. Um.

Fine one minute, anxiety the next

I’m sitting in a hotel room across the country tonight waiting for a job interview tomorrow. It will be my fourth round, for a company I’m really excited about. They’re GREAT people, very very nice, and I feel really comfortable with them. I also feel like it’s a good match in terms of type of work, workload, ability to have a balanced life. It’s all good. I got over my initial freak out about not having control, and I’m in a good place.

So why do I let one little thing throw me off track? I got an email from a recruiter asking me about an open position for a job I already interviewed for… I guess I didn’t get the job, and I guess they didn’t like me. And now I’m a depressed, insecure little mushball.

How can I go in there tomorrow and ace this interview? Duh, be myself. But I’m worried that I’ll blow it somehow. ;(

Top dog. Under dog.

I feel very lonely tonight. Now. It’s 1:30am, and another night that I can’t sleep.

Today I met with 5 people for my third round of interviews at a company I was really excited about joining. Earlier today, I felt powerful, and appreciated, and excited. They were fantastic. My people. Lovely, nice, warm people who all like each other and all took a genuine interest in wanting to work with me. They’re doing interesting work with the potential to be great. Currently the design sucks, but I can influence that.

By the time I got home though, the doubts set in.

The job wasn’t exactly what I expected. VP Director should include a few things which, in this company, it doesn’t include. So that means that I wouldn’t be running the whole show, rather, I’d be a discipline lead. Which means the job is more about gaining consensus than about directing. If I don’t have control, can I effect change? If I have to gain consensus, can I do the job? Do I want the job? Can I negotiate for more? Is this company really good enough? Is this my ego problem, or is there a structural problem with the company. Am I taking a step down? From what? I don’t have a job. I’m the loser who quit her job because she was afraid she was going to get fired. So who am I to say I’m taking a step down from anything. Or that I’m better than anyone.

I see two issues:
1. Can I relax enough to just be a nice person and do the best I can, which will be a lot?
2. Is this actually a good career move? Or am I just idealizing them because I’ve had such a bad last experience and I think they’re nice? Is it bad to take the first job that has been offered?

I don’t know. And I don’t know how to evaluate. And talking to ND made things MUCH worse, rather than better. He has a way of challenging my “defeatist attitude” at exactly the wrong moment for me. It serves to reinforce “I suck” rather than help support my with “no, you can do this” and now I just feel drained.

I’m too good.
I’m not good enough.
I’m alone.
I’m depressed.

I should be so excited right now. Here’s a good solid company that loves my work, and is excited about me. They’ve pretty much said I have the job. But I’m afraid of blowing it by not being satisfied with what I have before me. Why do I want more? Why am I tempted by the big sexy powerful job if it’s going to make me MISERABLE??? And why do I reject the good solid wants-to-benefit-from-my-knowledge job if it’s going to make me happy and let me have room in my life to be balanced and have other things – like a kid?

How can I get out of my own way??????

Am I dead? Or just acting like it?

Since I quit my job it has been quite a roller coaster. Exhilarating and a huge relief on one hand, but really blah, kind of depressing, and uncertain on the other… First of all, it has been much harder to find a new job than I thought it would be. Well, maybe not “harder” per se, but it has sure taken a lot longer. My last day was February 23rd, so that means I haven’t been working for 6 weeks. Wow. Now that I’m looking at the calendar, that’s longer than I thought. Somehow I was thinking it was only 3-4 weeks. Well, I guess 4-5 isn’t that off from 6… Anyway. The point is that this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. I thought I’d get something instantly. And it’s not for lack of trying. I put in several hours every day on the job hunt, and have lots of great leads. But I’m not in a huge rush to just take something, anything, either. I want the right fit, so I’m just chugging along.

But I feel like I’m not really here, if you know what I mean. Oh sure, I’ve done some stuff… I took a freelance job for a while, took a cooking class, talked to two people about volunteering, gone out some, cleaned a few closets… But mostly I’ve just been playing a whole lot of Civilization. And staying up way too late, and eating too much. And sitting around obsessively checking email. And sleeping. And quietly letting hours pass as I watch TV.

I have the distinct feeling that I’m waiting for something. It’s like I’m waiting for someone to say “Ok, go!” or for someone to tell me that I’m awesome again. And it makes me wonder, when did I stop being awesome? And if I’m still awesome, why don’t I actually want to do anything? The whole world is open to me and I’m drawing a big fat blank. Awesome.

But it’s also not like I’m not interested in anything, or don’t have anything I can or want to do… I have so many little projects… Check that the insurance hasn’t run out on my ring. Buy train tickets for our trip to England. Write to my friend Rick about having lunch. Shorten my white fake fur coat. Make an interior fabric structure for our dome at Burning Man. Re-solder the el-wire connection that broke on my red jacket. Join Weight Watchers again. Take walks in the park, get my bike out of storage. Go shopping for new clothes. For new makeup. Finish playing Zelda on the Wii. Read God of Small Things which I started 2 weeks ago and haven’t made it through the first chapter. Replace the bulb in my head lamp. Find a new OB/GYN. Call Tony Robbins maybe, or check out Landmark Forum… Do something. Call someone. Take action. Stop waiting.

Ok, go!

:/

Wrangling over the minor nuances

Haven’t written about my mother in a while, but was just sitting here thinking about an exchange we had a few days ago, right before Valentine’s Day. It’s so minor it’s almost not worth mentioning, it wasn’t an incident. However, it felt familiar. An ever so slight boundary crossing.

I was telling her that I hadn’t heard back from my First Choice of New Jobs (FCNJ) yet. Quick background: I had reached out in December, started talking to them in January,  said I was in a rush because I had something else brewing (which was true at the time) and then a week passed with no news. Then I reached out, and by the time I heard back with a “it’s getting clearer” another week passed. Then another week, and got back a “we’ll talk soon”.

So I was talking about this with my mother, debating sending another note to them. She suggested that I call the person I know there. I said I would, but I’d wait a day. And she started pushing. Back and forth for about 10 minutes debating the minutae of something that we’re in 90% agreement about. Back and forth, back and forth.

It’s that old familiar feeling. The one where I’ve actually listened to her, agreed with her, have said that I’m going to take her advice with a slight twist of my own, and she starts fighting to the death to have me do it 100% her way.

As soon as I realized what was happening I cut it off. “Ma, I’m agreeing with you, but I’m doing it when I think it’s right” … “But I really think you should do it my way” … “Ma, I heard you” … “But really, you should…” … “Ma, stop”

It wasn’t an incident. She stopped. I didn’t get angry. But if she hadn’t stopped, I would have gotten angry. It’s so hard to disentangle once the entangling has snuck up on you.

Note to self: don’t get too cozy.

Quit My Job / Having Major Anxiety

I’m having a really hard time lately. I’d forgotten about this blog for a while, but I’m happy to remember that it’s here for me to go back and write in.

I’ve been having anxiety attacks over the last couple of months, it’s the first time I’ve had one since 9/11. And soon after the first one about my job, another came a few days later, and then more and more. They stopped for a while when I gave notice to quit my job, a week and a half ago. But over the last 2 days they’ve somewhat started up again.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be upset by being at a job where I’m not wanted, where I’m irrelevant. I’d pretty much checked out of my job a few months ago after I got a warning after escalating what I thought was a terrible business problem. That felt unjust. And I it was very hard for me to connect with my team. And while it was the most blissful, powerful relief ever to finally say “I’ve had enough torture!” hanging around for 3 weeks to get my paycheck while I look for a new job is its own form of torture.

First of all I feel guilty. Guilty for having not worked out. Guilt for not doing any work, not caring, and just taking the paycheck. I feel like I’m stealing. And I’m lonely, and scared.

D.’s out of town this weekend – for 5 days actually, till Tuesday night. That seems like the LONGEST period of time I could ever imagine. I’ve been lying here actually feeling an anxiety attack slowly wash over me, trying to calm it away, for the last hour and a half, maybe two hours. I found a cut on the cat’s back, and I don’t know what it’s from or how bad it is. Should I take him to the vet? I feel like I should, but he doesn’t look like he’s in pain and it isn’t bleeding and I’m not sure what the vet would do for him other than maybe put a cream on it or something to help it heal faster. But it’s not worth taking him tonight to an emergency vet. And if it’s not an emergency now, is it going to be one tomorrow to miss work for? Work that I’m not doing? Guilt. Eyeroll. God, I’m just pathetic. And I sit here tonight and think “if I can’t get through a night by myself, what am I going to do when my job ends?? I’m going to go crazy!”

I could visit my father. But that would mean spending money I don’t have.
I could ask him for money, but that wasn’t what I meant by quitting.
I don’t deserve to punish myself, I’m a good person in a bad situation, and quitting was a choice, not another form of punishment, so WTF?
I could go to Kripalu and do some yoga for a week, get away, find myself. Meditate. Sounds like a guilty pleasure. And like I would miss D. too much.

Who am I if I’m not working?

What is my purpose here? In this world?

I think it would be dangerous to let myself get pregnant in this mindset. Because it could turn everything around for me, make me feel better, give me a purpose. And that would be delaying these feelings. And what, I then become my mother? The terrified lonely woman who tried everything like guilt and demanding to force me to take care of her? And if I only knew what this felt like then, I might not have minded so much. My fucking god this feels bad.

I feel bad. And I’m trying to tell myself “Let go, there is a purpose.” “Let go, you will get something from this darkness, and emerge stronger and more centered.” And then I wonder if I’m just going to go crazy and do something to hurt myself. Out of blind panic.

I don’t feel the heat in my body anymore right now. The pill I took just before I got my computer must have started to kick in a little, and I’m feeling a little less anxious. But I’m frustrated. And depressed that I feel so off balance. Untrustworthy, like I don’t know I’m really going to be ok, even though I’m just sitting in my house with the ability to do whatever it is in the world that I want to do.

But I’m tired enough to stop writing for now. I’m going to watch Oprah interview people about the supernatural.

Oh, I’ve been thinking about my grandmother a lot. I want to volunteer and keep old people company.