booze is bugging me again…

ND was fairly drunk last night, but could manage…

tonight he went out for drinks, and while I’m glad he came home not trashed, I was annoyed that he got trashed at home by the end of the night. He had like 5 beers and almost passed out standing up in the bathroom… that means that if baby had awakened, I’m on my own to take care of her… after all day on my own. and yesterday on my own. and every day on my own… just because he’s here, doesn’t mean that helps. If he’s drunk, I can’t hand him the baby and I can’t get a break. it makes me tired. Especially since he went into her room and pet her head and wiggled her feet… Could have awakened her for me to fix. very annoying.

wish I could get him to wake up!

So is this going to be my “ND’s Drunk Again” blog?

It’s Halloween and ND just got home drunk off his ass! Stumbling, slurring, could barely function. He had blood all over his hand and he said he cut it when he fell down the stairs at the Hammerstein Ballroom at the parade after party. Then he fell in the house.

He was last drunk at the A Cavallo party, which was two weeks ago when Halley was in town. Blush said that Thera commented “That boy has a drinking problem!” when she saw how drunk he was. Halley apologized to me for letting him get that drunk. And that night I had texted ND telling him how hormonal and depressed I was. I cried for 6 hours, and was hoping for a miscarriage, and he was too drunk to notice my text message.

I have a really bad feeling about this. He needs to get some help. Now, before the baby’s born.

What if I’m not a good leader?

My new job isn’t going well… I think I was set up in my position really badly and got off to a terrible start. However, I also haven’t been able to turn it around. I feel tentative, confused, overwhelmed. And I really don’t know how to lead this team towards a bright and shiny future. I don’t feel I can manage the team the way I’m used to, and I don’t think the way I’m trying to do it is working.

I wish there was a clear direction for how to take a group that’s made up of apathetic primadonnas and grumpy curmudgeons and turn them into a happy, excited, prosperous group. Ok, “inspire them”. Yeah. How? They don’t trust me, I haven’t made a single decision that has gone unquestioned or unchallenged, and I’m flat out nervous. Tentative. I feel like they don’t like me, and I’m so much more withdrawn than I ever have been…

Email exchange with my mom

So I invited my mother to come to my next doctor’s appointment on wednesday morning… I didn’t think it all the way through — that this is my first appointment since switching back to my old doctor; that I won’t be getting a sonogram; that I have a lot of questions about placenta preva and bed rest and having sex and having orgasms; and that most of all I’m scared about the diagnosis of placenta preva and I’d like to feel free to be scared without having to put on a brave face for my mom…

She’s usually great about making me feel better when I’m sick, but this feels like a big deal, and she’s kind of brushing it away like I shouldn’t be worried… And she doesn’t get that not having sex or not having an orgasm for 5 months might be upsetting to me. So upon thinking it through, I decided I didn’t want her to go with me after all.

Here’s the email chain with her — this whole exchange made me feel so trapped because I tried so hard to not get into details, but she just barrels over me and is totally insensitive to my signals and wouldn’t take the hint… But I KNOW that if I say it outright I risk a big fight and she’ll get mad…

I think I did a good job with these emails, but I haven’t heard back yet… Wish me luck!!!

—-

Hey Mom,
If you’re free, it would be much better for you to come with me to my Hospital sonogram appointment on Wednesday in the afternoon instead of the office visit in the morning… I’d love for you to see the high resolution images of the baby and her heart, and the office visit will likely not have any sonogram at all. Let me know if you can make it! Looking forward to seeing you again.
L

Hi Lex,
Unfortunately I teach on Wednesday at 6.
So, can I still come in the morning?
I’d love to come to the hospital next time.
Let me know and where and when.
Love, Mom

Hi Ma,
I so badly don’t want to offend you by saying that I want to do this one myself, but after thinking about it on the weekend I realized that I’m really scared about what she’s going to say about the Placenta Preva diagnosis, and have a bunch of questions about my “parts” that I think I need to ask in private, if you know what I mean… Would you meet me for brunch afterwards though, maybe go to Arba or Beth’s Restaurant at 11am? I’m taking the whole day off and would love to see you.
Xoxo, Lexi

He’s drunk, again.

I just got home from a 3 day business trip at 9pm tonight, and ND just stumbled in at 12:30am slurring, stumbling drunk. I was pretty upset about a work thing and haven’t been feeling well, and I could have used some love, but all he could do was pull out his cock and grope me and talk about his rock-hard abs.

I’m going to snap soon. I feel like I see him drunk more than I see him sober, and I’m really getting sick of it. And when I talked to him on the phone last night he was also drunk while I was away — at a Green Drinks thing!! How did I end up marrying an alcoholic???

mad at nd again

got home drunk again. I didn’t mind, was playful with him, we talked, hugged, it was all nice. but then he invited anu and kelly over to drop stuff off and it was already 11 and they were coming from brooklyn! I asked him 4 times while he was on the phone to see if we could do it tomorrow night and he flat out ignored me… I’m so tired, and he keeps inviting, people over REPEATEDLY at really late hours and I’m fucking sick of it. This is like the 5th time this has happened and I’m done.

I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve never in my life had someone who absolutely flat out didn’t give a shit if I said something. I was YELLING at him and he totaly ignored it. I mean, I love anu, I don’t want to make her feel unwelcome, it’s not about her, but this puts me in such an uncomfortable position. I took tonight as my night to sleep… I went to sleep at 8:30 and he came home drunk and slammed the door, so we ordered food, and now he’s inviting people over — it’s just like he’s not hearing me. I’m totally exhausted, and it’s like whatever soemone else wants to do trumps me. his reply was drunk, it was “in that case, I’ll let you eat all the food we just ordered, and I won’t eat any”

he volunteers me for stuff and says “what else could I do?” – like kevin wanted to drop something off at our place and was like “lexi will be here” without even asking me. all I wanted was for him to ASK, was to say “hey, any chance we could do this tomorrow instead? would that be just as easy? Lexi’s tired” and if the answer is no, that’s fine, but it’s like he just makes the decision that whatever he thinks is right is the only option

My Mother. Myself. Bipolar? Maybe.

Sometimes I wonder if I am becoming what I’ve always hated most about my mother.

Lately I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and helpless, and needy. Sometimes I feel so needy and insecure and obsessive about whatever it is that I’m focused on that I can’t stop running the problems over and over in my head. It’s a churn. Process. Process. Process. Endless circles of trying to solve the unsolvable problem. He said this. I should have done that. What if I had done something else? How could this be happening to me? Should I do X? What if I don’t do anything? Will I be ok? What should I do?!?!?!?!? And these thoughts consume me, and I talk to ND, and to my father, and to my mother, and to my friends. The same conversations, over and over. Never solved. Don’t know what to do. And sometimes I think that this desperate NEED is what my mother must have felt. When she called me 10 times a day. When she insisted that I help her with the comptuer. When she insisted that I go with her on a trip because she was afraid of having an anxiety attack. And I looked down on her for being so weak. I didn’t know. I’m glad for me that I didn’t know, but I feel sad for her.

I don’t really feel “ok” anymore. I don’t think I’m functioning well. I’m taking a cocktail of medications, and each feels lifesaving, and yet, I still don’t feel like myself. Where am I in there? I’m on Zoloft for depression – it has really helped me. Daytrana and Ritilin for ADD – it has REALLY helped me. Xanax for anxiety occasionally – it has helped me sleep sometimes, and to stop the churn other times, and every once and a while it will put the breaks on a full blown anxiety attack.

I always thought of myself as chilled out, but I think I’m a worrier now. When did that happen? When did I start worrying that every action I took could be a huge mistake that could alter the course of my life? When did I start thinking about my own death? When did I lose trust in my own abilities to handle my own life? When did I start to feel so helplessly out of control?

Victim is not a word I ever used to associate with myself, yet I feel like things happen to me in a way I never used to feel… I got laid off from one job, only to find another one that I liked but was miserable in the whole time. Why didn’t I see that I was happy there? Why was I so miserable, why did I think the company was so fucked up?? It really wasn’t. It really was a great company. And then the next job I think I didn’t know how to handle it. I was overwhelmed and didn’t see what I couldn’t do. And people didn’t like working with me, because I was miserable. And now I’m in a job where they think I’m on a power trip. And I’m misunderstood. Yet at the same time, I don’t think I really know how to collaborate. I know how to dictate, and I realize that I am difficult to work with. I feel so awkward sometimes. Like I don’t know how to work with my team. And I feel lonely.

I used to think my mother was weak and incompetant. I used to think she was so smart, yet wasted her life not taking care of herself. And I used to pride myself on my success. But I don’t feel very successful. And I worry that I’m becoming just like her. And that maybe, I am already just like her. And I am doomed to her faults because I can’t get control over myself. I know I need to let go, and that clamping down is making it worse, but if I let go, will I just drift away?

Empty

I feel so empty. This is an attitude that I would like to shed.

I’ve felt empty this whole weekend, and did nothing positive to change it. I did a heroic “save my husband” move by helping him with a big project that was upsetting him, but in the process I avoided working on my best friend’s wedding invitations, avoided doing the poster he needed me to do, avoided working on my resume, and never packed for Atlanta.

I went to ranger training yesterday. It was the only way I can ranger on the playa this year, so I went, but I wasn’t really fully there. I worked on NDs project while I was there, and paid only half attention. On one hand I’ve been to 4 trainings, so none of it is new, and I wasn’t disrupting anyone. But on the other hand, I acted as if I don’t need to follow the same rules as everyone else.

I feel like I’m floating along, numb, waiting. The way to change that feeling is to do something to show that I am taking care of myself. Take a short walk. Do Bzzy’s invites. Wash my clothes. Eat something healthy. But it’s too late for eating healthy, I ate a burrito and nachos. I feel like crying, and this ache in my chest is throbbing.

Insecurity. I feel lost, like I’m not sure I can take care of myself. I’m going to start saving money in a serious way, even set up a bi-monthly auto pay today to save $2000 per month. I’ll try to stop spending. Set aside for my future. I am not invincible.

It’s so hard to not be GIVEN leadership

I took this job expecting to lead the department. There’s another person there who’s now my equal. This is hard, not what I wanted. The CEO is an asshole, totally insulting to me, humiliated me and wouldn’t listen at all.

However, I need to learn how to collaborate. I need to learn how to influence others without dictating. I don’t know these things. I have no model. I’ve been doing the Tony Robbins coaching thing, and here are my notes from tonight’s session. They profoundly affected me:

Two approaches to this work situation.
1. I can look at this in a way that makes me feel right and gives me short term solutions and I look for a new job
2. Or, put all of it aside and look at what can I learn from this, and how did I contribute to this position, and how can I use what I learned to have a better situation next go around. Take ownership.
a. Collaboration, yet I’m upset about not being in a high position.
b. I’m feeling victimized – victim thinking does not give me any choices.
c. What people default to when they don’t like, the put all the attention on themselves and how they feel, and then they have 0 ability to influence the other person.
i. So first, understand what could cause someone to react the way they are. What would cause him to feel this way, and how can I help him with that? Really find out what he’s up to. Try to understand his goals, and what’s critical and important to him.
ii. If you want to sell something to someone, you put aside your product and outcome for a bit and put all your attention on what makes you tick and what you’re about, and then looks for how to match your product to that.
3. I chose to put this out to the universe, now what am I going to learn?

6 Human Needs:
All people will find a way to get these needs met, but they may not be the most positive or productive.
1. Need for connection and love
2. Need to be different, separate and unique + significant
3. Need for certainty, consistency
4. Need for variety and uncertainty
5. Need to grow
6. Need to contribute
So what’s happening is that we have a propensity for some more than others. It’s all a matter of degrees though. How am I getting my needs met? The more I get them met based on ME the better.

3 Messages Today:
1. I have to go on with the other parts of my life in spite of how I’m feeling at work. I know I don’t feel like it, but I’m going to break this pattern. It will not tear down my other goals no matter what I’m feeling like at work. I’ll still take care of my health.
2. Whenever I want to influence someone, I have to be the one to change my behavior. I can influence you authentically, understand you, what you’re up to, what you really want, and I try to match that by helping you see that if you do what I want it will help you get what you want. GET SOMEONE TO MOVE FOR THEIR REASONS – AND TO DO THAT, I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THEIR REASONS.
a. Have to let go of my own outcomes for a bit. Focus on their outcomes.
3. I have a great need for significance. The way I start learning how to create significance in some additional way. I can’t always get someone to tell me I’m great, I can’t always seek it.
a. I can use this job to become amazing at collaborative work.
b. Even if I end up being a leader, even the best leaders need to move into collaborative mode, so I have to be able to transition into collaborative.

TAKE A MOMENT AND BE PROUD OF MYSELF FOR WHAT I HAVE ALREADY LEARNED.

Jay’s suspicious behavior

Couple more things…

RED FLAG: I asked one of the junior team members, to get Jay’s input on a project he was doing. Since Jay comes from a copy background, I thought he could help give this person some help in creating more emotional work. I found out later that the junior guy had asked Jay for help, but that Jay said no because he didn’t want too many cooks in the kitchen.

RED FLAG: I asked Jay to send me the work he was doing on a pitch before it went out. He never sent it. I passed by his office on my way out for the long weekend and asked to see what he did when I returned on Tuesday. He said ok, but didn’t look pleased. Should I push it on Tuesday?

RED FLAG: Jay knew what I was working on (it was a direct assignment from the CEO and President) and offered to help. I said great, email me your thoughts. He never did. Jay is friends with our CEO. Should I have asked him how he knew what I was working on?